Felt sluggish and uncreative recently. Underperforming. Lurdane. (I wrote those sentences in February of 2021). Here's a wizard school in the classic GLOG tradition.
|Source: Castle landscape study by 88grzes|
Transmutation to make an alchemist weep! They spend their lives trying to turn lead into gold, while a banker can turn time into gold, and oil into cattle, and other peoples' desperation into profit, plus a thousand thousand other operations besides! Wears a bowler hat instead of a big pointy one and uses a huge brass key instead of a magic wand.
Skills: 1. Art history 2. Lock design 3. Esoteric literature
Starting Equipment: Bowler hat, illfitting suit (as unarmored, +1 to reaction rolls), big brass key (spell focus), hat derringer (1d10 damage at 10', fails and jams on a fumble, takes a full set of tools and half an hour to disassemble and reload, ⅓rd slot)
Perk: you are a recognized part of the treasure economy. Dragons won’t attack you (unless you piss them off by stealing or whatever), and if you offer to catalogue their hoard will offer you room and board for the duration. Dragons love people talking about their hoards. This works on royal treasuries as well, but not on real banks (which have their own Bank Wizards on retainer).
Drawback: you serve durante bene placito of the Dragon Concern. Stealing from a dragon’s hoard, or trafficking stolen goods, can result in your title and magical power being stripped if you're caught.
1. Instantly buff and clean an object of stone or metal smaller than a horse.
2. Rub your hands together and huff on them until they glow with heat, to light tinder or guide you through total darkness. Startling but not damaging if used as a weapon.
3. Count up to 10,000 objects in a glance.
- Contact Dragon
R: [dice]*100 miles T: the closest dragon in range D: [sum] minutes
Rings up the closest dragon for a chat. They can speak with you, and can see you and your surroundings. At two MD you may specify a dragon to not be contacted. At three MD you may name any number of dragons to not be contacted, and at four you may disable the video feature.
- Dangerous Counterfeit
R: touch T: an object D: [dice] weeks
Touch an object to create an illusory copy, identical in every way to mortal eyes. It explodes (within a few seconds, or upon being touched by someone with desire in their hearts, your choice) in a 5' cloud of rainbow-colored stinking, clinging, staining smoke for [sum] damage (save to avoid).
- Validate Paperwork
R: touch T: [sum] pages of written documentation D: n/a
Target pages are checked over by team of invisible, intangible, irresistible forensic accountants. At one [die], pages that contain false statements or falsified numbers are marked at the top with an indecipherable red scrawl. At two [dice], sentences containing the same are underlined in red. At three, specific words or numbers are crossed out. When cast with four [dice], the auditors will include comments in the margins indicating why they believe the lies were written, and where it might be possible to find the true information.
- Timed Lock
R: touch T: a doorway or container D: permanent
If the target does not have a mundane lock, it is fastened shut until someone forces it open with [dice] penalty. If the target does have a lock, the penalty is [dice]+[sum], and it resists picking from any thief with fewer than [dice] levels.
You may designate intervals and occasions when up to [dice] authorized persons may open the target with a touch.
- Worry Coin
R: your own pockets T: ditto D: indefinite
When this spell is cast, [best] coins appear in your pocket. They seem to be copper, silver, gold or platinum, depending on the [dice] invested, but are actually lead, and peasants don't accept magic elf coins as currency from some fucking Wizard.
The coins may be "spent" by anyone who possesses one for a +[dice] bonus to any roll (only one coin may be used per roll, but you could spend a coin on an attack roll and another on the damage roll). MD invested in this spell are not returned until every coin is used; if this is an issue, you may contact the Dragon Concern to have extant coins declared null and void.
- Warning Light
R: touch T: object D: [dice]*2 hours
Object illuminates within [dice]*10'. As you cast, you may decide what color the light is, what color it changes to if a creature is within 10', and whether or not it flashes.
- Locate Debtor
R: reaching through time and space and across planes T: someone whose signature you hold while casting D: [sum]*[dice] hours
A ghostly-green arrow appears in the air above your head for the duration, pointing in the direction of the target. If they are on another plane, the arrow points towards nearest portal it is possible for you to reach them through, though it may be dangerous or unpleasant to reach. It points to the target's phylactery if currently disembodied, to their temple if currently unincarnated, and to their heir if they are dead (in which case the arrow is spectral-blue).
- Triplicate Contract
R: touch T: a contract to be signed by at least two creatures D: indefinite
A copy of the target contract is made and delivered to the Desk of the Chairman of the Diabolic Chambers of Commerce, and third to the Office of the Director-General of the Dragon Concern. If a signator breaks the terms of the contract (disputes resolved by majority vote of the holders of the existing copies), they take [sum]*[dice] points of force damage. This damage is applied immediately, at any range, and ignores all wards, shields and lawyers.
- Fast Horse
R: 20' T: an unoccupied space large enough for a chunky horse D: one hour
An incredibly ugly and mean horse (4HD, morale 13, hooves/hooves/bite 1d8/1d8/1d6) arrives. Only you or someone holding onto you may ride it; any other creature who attempts to approach within 10' of the horse is promptly savaged. If summoned with one [die] the horse is as fast as a fast horse (about 20mph), at two it's faster than the fastest horse (some 60mph), at three it's faster than the wind (about 120mph) and at four [dice] it's faster than its own mocking whinny (about 800mph). Disappears at the end of duration or upon being ridden [sum] miles.
- Create/Destroy Containers
R: 100' T: things you wish to be contained, or else a bunch of containers D: instant
Conjure or dissipate up to [sum] sacks, bags, boxes, pouches, crates, jugs and jars within range. Maximum container size corresponds to [dice] invested: purse-sized at one, footlocker-sized at two, coffin-sized at three and horse-sized at four. Conjured containers automatically pack up objects; unwilling creatures get a save.
- Transfer Value
R: n/a T: a [dice]*10' cubic volume containing valuables, or up to [sum]*10gp on your person D: instant
As you cast this on a volume of space, you must pace its borders. Objects inside the space are instantly and silently transported to the Infinite Hoard Dimension and are be replaced by cash amounts roughly equivalent to their value. Cash is in local currency (contact the Dragon Concern if you want to change your account's preferences). Artifacts and art will receive almost 100% of their nominal value, but expect equipment and materiel to receive 50% at best, drastically reduced if noticeably second-hand. This spell ignores closed-off spaces on general principle (no using it to teleport treasure out of a vault without breaching the vault), and deductions will be made if the Concern has to pop open any chests themselves.
If cast on money instead, you may summon up to [dice] pieces of equipment or materiel with total value equal to or less than the spent cash minus a 5gp teleportation fee.
Yes: you can use this spell for garbage disposal or to hide bodies. You can use this incredibly powerful teleportation spell, designed by immortal masters of that school of magic, to move your garbage into the Infinite Hoard Dimension owned by the banking concern that represents all dragons everywhere. A banking concern which, to be clear, still employs those masters of teleportation. It is possible for you to dump 3d6 goblin corpses on top of the big pile of priceless artworks and legendary artifacts and millions and millions and millions of pieces of copper, silver, gold, platinum and electrum, you know, the big pile in the dimension where the dragons keep their most prized possessions. You can do this.
- Forced Stockoification
R: touch T: a creature of [dice] HD or fewer D: permanent
The creature's unique and non-interchangeable units of value are up for sale, all [sum]*10 shares of them (imagine that creatures are worth about 100gp per HD). The caster has dibs, and can buy as much as they have cash-on-hand in the first thirty seconds or so. How the soul-market works is up to your DM, I don't have to explain shit.