Rock, No Water, and the Sandy Road (GLOG Classes: 5e Ranger Conversion)

    Crouched in the broken shadow with the sun at his back and holding the trap at eyelevel against the morning sky he looked to be truing some older, some subtler instrument. Astrolabe or sextant. Like a man bent at fixing himself someway in the world. Bent on trying by arc or chord the space between his being and the world that was. If there be such space. If it be knowable.

    I do not like the design philosophy of 5e rangers. I do not like it. All the problems I have with fighters I have twice over with rangers. In plain words: what is a ranger, conceptually? This is not a rhetorical question, I have asked rhetorical questions about them before, but this one is a real question that I want you to think about the answer to. 

    Meanwhile, I hate 5e and I hate 5e designers and I hate the 5e Ranger and I hate everything they have written and I hate how they fear good ideas, how they hunt them down, how when they accidentally write something good (and how could they not sometimes, by pure chance, write something good? With all the shit they put out) they run in fear, and I hate how everything they do is tinged with high-effort bullshit. It's like: they know what "good" looks like, but they are convinced that that's what "evil" looks like, so they go to great lengths to destroy it. Imagine someone who truly loathes the Mona Lisa and so steals it from the museum and painstakingly cuts it into very very very fine shreds to use to line the nest of a Hampter (here take it) because they believe that that's where beauty and art are best utilized. Imagine someone who is convinced that what the world needs most is a tabletop roleplaying game about Corn (the Cereal Crop) and so spends 20 years of their life writing a 1600-page tabletop roleplaying game about Corn. That's what 5e is, I think. It's impossible to hate someone without also pitying them. I pity the 5e designers. They aren't the ones sobbing into a fistful of money, that's whoever owns Hasbro. That guy's got all the money. 5e designers are basically Luciferists or hardcore pro-Laissez Faire free market vegan restaurateurs. They're just cripplingly misled and stupid, and they'd be better off if someone beat them very badly with a piece of pipe, but it's not because they deserve punishment and pain, it's because they write shit like the 5e ranger and genuinely think (unless they know they're lying to themselves?) that it's good work. They're more in need of a hearty spanking than they are of a day in the stocks, if you're picking up what I'm laying down. If you're digging... what I'm burying...




    And now I will explain what a Ranger is to me, and convert all these 5e guys.

Ranger

    A Ranger is, in a single sentence, one who protects civilization from the wilderness. There are many similarities between Rangers and Druids, but in this regard at least the two are in perfect opposition. Rangers are guides, guardians and shepherds for their parties in the wild and dangerous parts of the world. They are the ones who recognize the worm-sign, see the storm brewing, and know how to soothe the restless velociraptor with an oustretched Jedi Force Trick Hand.

    A Ranger is also a fighting-man, with all that that entails. In many ways, at least in the D&D-adjacent design-space, Rangers really step on the Fighter's toes. I'll try to keep that in mind while writing this post, but since I'm converting 5e there's not a lot of wiggle room here. Primarily we're just going to avoid giving them a 2nd attack, and hope for the best.

    Rather than a different style for every biome, all rangers are wide-ranging. At your first template, choose two of the following adjectives: barren, populous, abandoned, forested, frigid, windswept, arid, damp, craggy, dark, coastal, spooky. While in an area described by that adjective, you can build a concealed camp, find enough food for one person, predict weather a day out, follow tracks a day old, and may protect one person from the effects of exposure and rough terrain while traveling. Every time you gain another ranger template you may select another adjective. Effects stack. Adjectives may be selected multiple times.

    Rangers can wield any conventional weapon, and can use shields and may wear any armor. At first level they choose a fighting style from the list at the bottom of this post. 

    Furthermore, every ranger has left the safety of hearth and home. Did you choose this? Why?

Hunter

    In a coat of rainproofed canvas, on soft leather boots, nocking a black-fletched arrow, goes the Hunter. Whether seeking a challenge (or just a reliable income) you have left the city behind to become civilization's agent in the wilderness. Hunters go from town to town, destroying the feral boar, the maneating tiger, the poisonous wyvern, because someone has to. It's difficult work, but if you do it well you can achieve a measure of real glory —and a bag of real coins.

Skills: 1. Poisons and antidotes 2. Mechanical engineering 3. Legendarium
Starting Equipment: Enormous 200' warbow (massive, 90' range increment, requires 15 strength) or oversized hunting bow (large, 60' range increment), quiver with 20' arrows (1 slot), hunting knife (light), grapnel (1 slot) and 100' of rope (1 slot), three steel carabiners, folding saw (light), flask of brandy, three torches (⅓rd slot each, burn for an hour), outdoorsman clothing (as leather) with a ghillie cape (as a cloak of invisibility, but only while lying motionless in a natural environment)

• A Hunter's Prey, +1 to-hit
  
• B Defensive Tactics, +1 HP
  
• C Claw/Claw/Bite, +1 AC
  
• D Scout's Honor, +1 HP
  

Hunter's Prey
    The Hunters have three traditions, which call themselves Colossus Slayers, the Giant Killers, and the Horde Breakers. These are the main schools of thought among Hunters, and every Hunter you will meet has a strong opinion on which is best (it's Colossus Slayer, Colossus Slayer is the best). Choose one of the following neat tricks:

• Your weapons seem to always seek out the bruises and cuts in the flesh, the chips and cracks in the armor. When you strike a target which is already below its maximum HP, your attack deals an extra 1d6 damage.
• You are always prepared to punish the grasping fingers, talons and tentacles of lumbering predators. Once per round, when a creature larger than a man attacks you, you may make an immediate counterattack on its own turn.
• Your wheeling blows and ripostes keep the swarm at bay. Once per round, when you strike a target, you may make another attack against a second target if it is adjacent to the first.

Defensive Tactics
    Your study of monster-slaying has made you far more difficult to kill. Choose one of the following neat tricks:

• Every wild swing from an enraged predator or whirling dervish only serves to discover their vulnerable points. For each attack a creature makes against you in combat, you gain a +4 bonus to-hit against them specifically. This bonus resets when you land a hit. 
• Your will is steel. You have advantage on saves against fear and pain.
• Facing a crowd, you excel at bobbing and weaving between their attacks, causing your opponents to foul each other. For each attack made against you in a round, you gain a +4 bonus to AC for the rest of the round.

Claw/Claw/Bite
    Your study of monster-slaying has given you a set of advantages to overwhelm the most dangerous targets. Choose one of the following neat tricks:

• You can seize every opportunity for a critical hit, kind-of. When you make a weapon attack against a creature, you may choose to ignore lesser opportunities and only take the perfect shot. Roll your attack with disadvantage. If you hit, it's a critical.
• You can shoot a whole quiver of arrows at once, poorly. Choose a circular area of radius 10' within 200'. Spend a full turn aiming a fully-loaded string of 12 arrows, then on the second turn, shoot. Roll an attack against all creatures in the area. Roll two attacks against creatures larger than a man.
• You can fend off an army, frantically. Instead of your normal attack, you may spin in a circle and strike at all creatures within reach of your melee weapon. Roll a separate attack for each.

Scout's Honor
    Your study of the traditions of monster-slaying have reached their zenith, at least among the existing traditions of Hunters. Perhaps you will develop new techniques, and pass them on to your disciples? In the meantime, choose one of the following neat tricks:

• When a save would allow you to take half damage from some spell or explosion or the like, you instead take half damage on a failed save and no damage on a successful one.
• Once per combat round, you may choose to take half damage from an attack.
• Once per combat round, when an enemy misses you with an attack, you may force them to make an attack against some other target within their reach.

Beastmaster

    Many rangers are more at home in the wild than in civilization, and consider animals more their kin than man. Some take this so far as to make pact with the wilderness, and by use of ancient druidic rites permanently ally themselves with the Green. Is this a conflict of interest? Are the Beastmasters sometimes tempted to lay down their humanity and walk, animals once more, in the shade of the trees, in the cool of the evening? Wouldn't you be?

Skills: 1. Veterinary medicine 2. Psychedelic drugs 3. Revenge
Starting Equipment: Longbow (medium), quiver with 20 arrows (1 slot), saber (medium), salt lick, three bouquets (of your choice), outdoorsman clothing (as leather) with a ghillie cape (as a cloak of invisibility, but only while lying motionless in a natural environment) 

• A The Green, Primal Companion, +1 MD
• B Exceptional Animal, +2 HRTS
  
• C Bestial Fury +1 MD
• D Share Spells, +2 HRTS
  

The Green
    You have a sympathy with the earth and the things that grow from it and crawl across it. This sympathy allows you to use a few simple spells with a handful of MD. These spells are druidic; they are not recorded in "books" with disgusting "letters", but contained in totems. For you, they occupy bouquets of dried herbs and flowers, at 3 bouquets to a slot. Casting the spell consumes the bouquet, and they are very vulnerable to fire and water.
    You can easily prepare a bouquet over a day of travel, and thrice that if you spend a full day gathering plants, but each spell you know requires an additional specific flower (referenced in the spell's name) which may not be available wild in all areas. Consider visiting apothecaries when possible.
Primal Companion
    You may summon a spirit of nature, which assumes the form of a common animal appropriate to your local, either land-bound or flying. The land creatures have the same HD and HP that you do; the flying creatures have 1 HD and [level] HP. On a Plain this is a Cat (30' horizontal leap) or an Eagle (powerful eyesight), on an Island this is a serpent (swimming, crawling) or a Parrot (human speech), in a Swamp this is a Great Toad (poison bite) or a Bat (nightvision), on a Mountain this is a Goat (powerful shove) or a Pterosaur (fireproof), and in a Forest this is a Wolf (skilled hunter) or Dragonfly (inconspicuous).
    If the creature dies (or if you want a new one), you may resummon it at dawn. It defends itself in combat, and on your turn you may direct it to prioritize a certain target. The creature can understand your language and is intelligent enough to comprehend ambushes, stealth, simple requests to fetch an item, &c.

Exceptional Animal
    The embodied spirit you summon now deals magical damage with its fangs/claws/&c, and has basic first-aid training and the ability to sprint (???).

Bestial Fury
    The embodied spirit gets an extra attack.

Share Spells
    When you cast one of your spells, your primal companion counts as you — spells that target yourself may target it, spells with a range can originate from the primal companion, &c.

Green Spells:

1. Rose's Sleep
   R: self, T: self, D: [sum] hours.
   You appear to be dead. If you invest one [die], you are cool to the touch and won't fog a mirror. If you invest two, you smell terrible and have any wounds you wish. If you manage to invest three, you are in as many pieces as you wish over a five-foot square.
2. Yarrow's Pollen
   R: [dice] miles, T: a spherical area 50 feet in diameter, D: n/a.
   You restore [sum]/2 HP to all plants, animals and people within the target that you choose.
3. Aconite's Whispers
   R: self, T: self, D: [sum] hours.
   You hear the howling of wolves when someone with hostile intentions is within [dice] miles. You hear as many wolves as there are hostile people. Using it near an army might be deafening, assuming the army is marching for you.
4. Buttercup's Lies
   R: eye contact, T: a human, D: [sum] minutes.
   The target is becomes intensely naive and distractable. They will believe anything told to them on a [dice]-in-six chance, or else loudly reject it and accuse you of pulling their leg. Targets will ignore input from leg-pullers for the duration of the spell. After the spell ends, they will not fully understand that they have been ensorceled unless someone points it out to them. Creatures immune to Charm are immune to this spell.
5. Iris' Chance
   R: touch, T: a person, D: [dice] minutes.
   All damage taken by the target is deferred until the end of this spell, when they take all of it at once. If the damage taken would be less than [sum], they take no damage at all.
6. Eremurus' Armor
   R: self, T: self, D: [dice] minutes.
   For the duration, you take half damage from all sources except fire and iron. Most weapons are made out of iron.
7. Sunflower's Gilding
   R: touch, T: any solid object D: [dice] days
   The object you lay this glamor on seems to be worth [sum] gold more than it really should. This is not an illusion, but a powerful enchantment; people will invent whatever justifications they need in order to believe that the object is worth what they think it's worth. They will be angry when the spell ends.
8. Sloe's Venom
   R: touch, T: one person, D: [dice] years.
   In addition to all normal checks, the target has a 1-in-6 chance of failure at everything. This applies to attack rolls and to saves, but also to projects on their farm, merchant ventures, marriage proposals — everything. The effect ends early if you die, deliberately end it, or upon being exorcised by a cleric with at least [dice] HD.

Drakewarden

    It's hard to raise a young dragon on the mean streets of the big city, and that's what drove you out into the countryside. As a Drakewarden, you are part of a loose-knit group who, for a variety of reasons, have been chosen to serve and be served by a draconic spirit. If you'd like, you can roll on the table for what exactly led to this:

1. You studied a dragon's scale or claw, or a trinket from a dragon's hoard, creating your bond through that token's lingering draconic magic.
2. A secret order of rangers who collect and guard draconic lore taught you their ways.
3. A dragon gave you a geode or gemstone to care for. To your surprise, the drake hatched from that stone.
4. You ingested a few drops of dragon blood, forever infusing your nature magic with draconic power.
5. An ancient Draconic inscription on a standing stone empowered you when you read it aloud.
6. You had a vivid dream of a mysterious figure accompanied by seven yellow canaries, who warned you of impending doom. When you awoke, your drake was there, watching you.

Skills: 1. Positive Parenting Techniques 2. Theater 3. Coastal raiding
Starting Equipment: Greatsword (heavy), brass lantern (1 slot), flask with 24 hours of kerosene (1 slot), 10x magnifying monocle, forge-blackened scale armor (medium)

• A Draconic Gift, +2 MOVE
  
• B Bond of Fang and Scale, +1 HP
  
• C Dragon's Breath, +2 MOVE
• D Perfect Bond, +1 HP

Draconic Gift
    Your association with a draconic spirit gives you the ability to light small fires with your mind within 30', fluency in the Draconic language, and the ability to summon a baby dragon ghost which is loyal to your commands. Choose a color of dragon now, if you're in a setting with colored dragons.
    This ghost appears within 10' of you in a space large enough for a big dog to occupy. It has 14+[template] AC, [templates]*5 + 5 HP, [templates] HD, +3 to STR rolls, +1 to DEX, +2 to CON, -1 to INT, +2 to WIS and -1 to XHA, 40' of movement on its turn in combat, 60' of darkvision, immunity to a damage type determined by its scale color, and the ability to speak the Draconic language. No I will not say psych. If you ever forget any of these numbers or say "uhhh, what's my dragon's strength bonus?" the DM is allowed to shoot you in the head. You better write all that down.
    If your dragon dies or you dismiss it (which you can do with a thought), you cannot resummon it until the next dawn. It can bite as a medium weapon, but unless you verbally command it to fight then it spends its turn in combat attempting to hide or protect itself.

Bond of Fang and Scale
    Your companion grows to become a juvenile dragon the size of a horse. It can fly, and you can ride it, but not both at the same time. Its bite deals an additional 1d6 of acid, cold, fire, lightning, or poison damage, depending on its scale color. You gain resistance to the damage associated with your dragon.

Dragon's Breath
    Once per dawn, either you or (at your command) your dragon gets a fuckoff massive breath attack. It deals 4d6 damage in a 30' cone, save for half, of the appropriate damage type.

Perfect Bond
    Your dragon ghost is an adult now, and you can ride around on it while it flies. Hell Yes. Heeeellll Yes. It is very good at fighting now; double all its stat bonuses and invert its maluses. Its bite is a massive weapon and its armor is as plate.

Fey Wanderer

    Were you born a changeling, or blessed by a blue fairy? Did you steal an apple from an enchanted tree, or a kiss from a fairy-prince? Whatever happened, it made you a Fey Wanderer. Your responsibility now is to the mortal and to the fey realms. As you wander, your laughter will brighten the hearts of the downtrodden, just as your martial prowess strikes terror in your foes, for great is the mirth of the fey, and dreadful is their fury.

Skills: 1. Exotic dance 2.  Circus performance 3. Folk tales
Starting Equipment: Two swords (any type), flapping black cloak with feathers (mostly useless), musical instrument of your choice, bundle of dynamite (1 slot, deals 3d6 damage within 30', save for half), outrageous outfit (-1 to reaction with squares, +2 with freaks)

• A Dreadful Touch, Glamor, +2 SAVE
  
• B Beguiling Twist, +2 INIT
  
• C Fey Reinforcements, +2 SAVE
  
• D Misty Wanderer, +2 INIT

Dreadful Touch
    Once per turn, you may infuse an attack with the misery and gloom of the farther, darker regions of Fairyland. This causes it to deal an extra 1d6 damage directly to the mind of the one struck by the attack. Such damage bypasses conventional resistances, though obviously is ineffective against mindless foes.
Glamor
    You're very good at lying, cajoling and pretending. When you tell someone a reasonable lie (i.e. not "the sky is blurple" or "you didn't see me stab your friend just now"), they must save to disbelieve you. If no one's around to snap them out of it, they'll take at least 5 minutes to reconsider your words; that's more than enough time for almost any scheme if you're quick.

Beguiling Twist
    You have advantage against being charmed or frightened. Once per turn, when you see someone succeed on a save against such an effect, you can force another creature you can see to make a save. If they fail, they are charmed by or frightened of you for one minute.

Fey Reinforcements.
    The royal courts of the Feywild have blessed you with the assistance of fey beings. You can summon a fairy from your patron's court. This fairy is the size of a child, supernaturally lovable by dimwitted NPCs, makes two attacks a turn with its magical shortsword, and can teleport 30' instead of walking. It sticks around for one minute. The fairy is friendly to you, but is neither loyal nor cooperative, and will likely choose whichever path of action causes the most trouble rather than what would be actually helpful.

Misty Wanderer
    With a xharisma check, you and anyone holding your hands can step briefly into and out of Fairyland. If you succeed, you silently reappear in some visible, unoccupied space within 60' of your departure point. If you fail, you still get to where you wanted to go, but you cannot use this ability again until the next dawn and at the DM's whim you may have brought along a passenger or suffered some fey mischief.

Example Fey Mischief:

1. Left and right hands swapped. Visit Fairyland again to get them put back on correctly.
2. Hair dyed bright blue.
3. 1d4 teeth replaced with those of a large dog.
   
4. You reappear with uproarious bigband fanfare. 
5. All the iron components or parts of your equipment have been mysteriously transmuted into silver.
6. You glow in the dark for 24 hours.
   

Gloom Stalker

    In the darkest places — deep under the earth, in narrow alleyways, in primeval forests, wherever the light dims — evil conspires against the world. There it labors. There it plans its cruelties. There it is least-prepared for the whirlwind you will sow. Where others fear to tread, there the Gloom Stalker is most needed.

Skills: 1. The Great Generals 2. Alcoholism 3. Extreme sports
Starting Equipment: Sawed-off blunderbuss (2d8 damage, 10' range increment, takes 10 rounds to reload, 2 slots), two hatchets (light), bottle of thallium tablets (10 doses, odorless and tasteless, victims make a CON check every 8 hours or take 1d6 stat damage to DEX, CON and WIS, symptoms include vomiting, ataxia and hair loss), vial of thallium antidote (1 dose), bad case of cyanochromhidrosis, dark nondescript clothing (as unarmored)

• A Dread Ambusher, Umbral Stalker, +2 INIT
  
• B Iron Mind, +1 to-hit
  
• C Stalker's Flurry, +2 INIT
  
• D Shadowy Dodge, +1 AC
  

Dread Ambusher
     The best defense is a crushing assault. If you win initiative, take two turns in the first round of combat.
Umbral Stalker
    Your enemies expect to be masters of the darkness; they are weakest when they believe they are strong. You have 60' of black-and-white darkvision. While in strong shadows, you are invisible.

Iron Mind
    Your thoughts are full of the clashing of shield and sword. You have advantage on saves against mind-altering effects, and when rolling initiative.

Stalker's Flurry
    Press every advantage! Once per round, after you miss an attack, immediately make another.

Shadowy Dodge
    The wicked think darkness is their ally, but they are interlopers in your domain. Impose disadvantage on the first attack against you every round.

Mage Slayer

    Civilization tames its magicians, and makes them weak and toothless. Only on the fringes can you find the most dangerous game. No, not humans, you dingbat. Humans are some of the least dangerous game available. I mean evil wizards.

Skills: 1. Arcana 2. History 3. Finance
Starting Equipment: Magic wand with a silencer attached, enemies in every major city, a mask of Barack Obama's face (+1 to reaction with members of the Clown's Guild), somber clothing (as unarmored)

• A Slaying Sense, +1 to-hit
  
• B Superb Defense, +1 HP
  
• C Magician's Nemesis, +1 AC
  
• D Slaying Counter, +1 HP

Slaying Sense
    The sorcerers you hunt have all manner of magical servants, machines and enchantments, and you need to be able to work around them if you want to destroy their master. You can identify a creature's immunities, resistances and vulnerabilities with a minute of observation, unless they are sufficiently reinforced against scrying. Once per day, you can also supernaturally mark a creature you can see. When you strike any marked creature, you deal an extra 1d6 damage. Marks reset when you sleep.

Superb Defense
    Constant training has made you superhumanly difficult to hinder. You have +4 to all saves, and to rolls to resist being grappled.

Magician's Nemesis
    A touch of sorcery makes you the lord of sorcerers Once per dawn, counter a spell or supernatural effect with a warcry.

Slaying Counter

    If some damn fool makes you roll a save, immediately attack them twice.

Swarmkeeper

    Rangers with a deeper spiritual side may become both the master of, and a home for, lesser spirits of nature, those responsible for painting autumn leaves, crafting snowflakes, and ushering the souls of mice and beetles to their final resting places. Most such Swarmkeepers are outcasts or hermits. They generally prefer to keep to the company of their attendant swarms. Still, their duties often bring them into contact with the world again.

Skills: 1. Shrine architecture 2. Weaving 3. Theology
Starting Equipment: Silver scimitar (medium), set of ten tiny black candles (1 slot), black powder pistol (2d6, 10' range increment, takes 10 rounds to reload in combat, 1 slot), powder horn decorated with dryads (1 slot), wicker mask with deer antlers (-1 reaction with mortals, +2 with the fay), ultraviolet robes (as unarmored, soothes insects)

• A Gathering, +2 HRTS
  
• B Mighty Swarm, +1 HP
• C Writhing Tide, +2 MOVE
• D Dispersal, +1 HP

Gathering

    Your body contains a magical swarm of tiny creatures, such as bees or pigeons or pixies. Once per turn, you can direct them to perform one of the following actions:

• Swarm a creature within 30'. The target saves or takes 1d6 magical damage
• Swarm a creature within 30'. The target makes a MOVE check or is shoved 15'
• Swarm you, to triple your jump distance and height, or allow you to move twice as far on your turn.

Mighty Swarm

    You can have your swarm carry you or another person slowly through the air 10' per turn in any direction. Unwilling targets may make a move check to resist. If the swarm is hit by anything (AC as chain), they drop what they're carrying.

Writhing Tide

    Your swarm gets thicker and meaner. Their damage option is increased to 1d12, their grappling option also knocks the target prone, and when they assist your movement they also impose disadvantage on attacks against you.

Dispersal

    The swarm is more your body than your own arms and legs. Once per turn, you can disappear into your swarm, and reappear from a cloud of it somewhere else within 60'.

Fighting Styles:

1. Archery.
   You gain +2 to-hit with ranged weapons.
2. Blind Fighting.
   You have 10' of blindsight. Within that range, you can effectively see anything that isn't behind total cover, even if you're blinded or in darkness. Moreover, you can see invisible creatures within that range, unless the creature is fully concealed from you.
3. Defense.
   You gain a +2 bonus to AC.
4. Dueling.
   When you are wielding a melee weapon in one hand with an empty offhand, you gain a +2 bonus to damage.
5. Massive Weapon Fighting.
   When you roll a 1 or 2 on a damage die for an attack you make with a melee weapon you are wielding with two hands, you can reroll that damage die.
6. Interception.
   You can parry like a sword-shepherd.
   
7. Mariner.
   While wearing medium armor or less and while not carrying a shield, you can swim and climb as fast as you can run, and you gain a +1 bonus to AC.
8. Simple Sorcery
   You know how to do two of the following hedge-mage tricks with a few seconds of mumbling and finger-waggling:
   
   1. Light a flammable object at a touch,
   2. Bless a fist-sized stone, that it can be thrown with the range of an arrow for 1d6 damage.
      
   3. Bless a club or staff, that its base damage dice bump up one size.
      
   4. Produce a terrifying thunderclap with a snap of your fingers.
   5. Produce a fistful of maddened, stinging, biting insects.
      
   6. Freeze up to a liter of water.
   7. Project your voice through a fire that you can see.
   8. Bind a subdued or non-resisting person with tight vines.
      
9. Superior Technique.
   You learn one maneuver of your choice from among those available to the Wizard archetype of Fighter.
10. Thrown Weapon Fighting.
    You can draw and throw a light weapon, even if it is concealed, with one motion. You gain a +2 bonus to damage with thrown weapons.
11. Two-Weapon Fighting.
    When holding two weapons, you gain a +1 bonus to melee damage and +1 to AC.
12. Unarmed Fighting.
    Your hands are light weapons.
    You can automatically bite, strangle and tear a creature you have grappled for 1d6 damage once per turn without using an attack.

Picture Pong with Phlox 1

    It was my idea to do this picture pong thing, just so you know — as with all brilliancies the source can be found in me. But I had to let the ideas lie fallow for a little while. Phlox wrote his months ago.

I don't really know what this picture is, but it made me think of a bunch of wizards accidentally destroying their library, and all of them holding their spellbooks up, you know?

Adventure Location: The Name Written in Water

     Part of every ominous intuition is the strange sense that we're powerless to heed it. "No good can come of this" means "no good can come of this" and nothing more; it never means "turn around and walk away".

    On the far western border of the country of Granc (rhymes with "bronze") is the town of Darval's Ford (rhymes with "marvel's bored"), population ~2500, spread out over a few square miles of riverside and piedmont. Like all small towns, they have some big problems.

    Fifty years ago, the mad wizards of the Order of the Blue Star finally succeeded in opening a portal to the Dungeon Dimension, after generations of careful preparation and enormous expenditure of time, gold and expertise. They were promptly devoured by thousands of carrion crawlers, and the effects of this rent in the veil have rippled out for hundreds of leagues in every direction. Their great tower, which once rose half a mile from the surrounding hills buoyed by charms of levitation and weightlessness, has mostly collapsed and sunk into the mire of Star Lake (B2). The caves and passes of the Witch Mountains (B1, A1, A2) are infested with the great velvety worms to this day.

    Ten years ago, harpies from the Witch Peak (A1) began flying down to harass the peasants of Darval's Ford (C2 and B3). They steal piglets, chickens, and handsome youths. The young local ruler, the Baron Edmond Saint-Berkeley, promises a bounty of 20gp per head. Unfortunately, the remoteness of the area and the lack of prestige to harpy-hunting meant the issue has largely been ignored. The harpies' predation of travelers on the road further separates Darval's Ford from the rest of Granc, and earns the area a reputation for harboring devil-worshipers, bandits and worse things still.

    One year ago, a warrior-lich sent out an invitation to all the cowards and thieves of Granc; pledge fealty to him, and he would reward their loyal service with riches, protection and perhaps even the gift of eternal life. The Corpse with No Name, as he is called, seeks to become the Shadow-Lord of Granc' seamy underbelly, presiding over a court of misery with influence over every black-market and assassin's brotherhood in the country. Paladins have been appearing in the area, and disappearing.

    All of the above is what we might call "player facing information". Below, you'll find some hex descriptions and some monster statblocks to run a one- or two-session miniature hexcrawl.

A1, The Witch Peak

    Tallest mountain in all of Granc. Home to the harpy queen Canisus and her court. If you displease the harpies, they will attack you as you navigate the Peak's winding trails, and drag you off of cliffs and into deep ravines, where your shattered body will be eaten by the carrion crawlers. The court is hidden in the ruins of an old hunting lodge, and is filled with birdshit-stained finery and doped-up lotharios. One of the queen's lovers is the wizard Meliprocles, brother of Maura, sheriff of the town of Darval's Ford (B3, A2).

Harpy
2HD (7HP), AC as leather, 7 morale
Feathery humanoids with wings instead of arms and long grasping talons in place of feet. What they can't steal, they ruin with a thick and spongy layer of vomit. Sometimes lure travelers to their deaths with ethereal song.
Movement: Awkward hopping on the ground, fast as a seagull in the air.
Morality: Brutal thieving rapist with a cringing attitude (Chaotic Evil)
Intelligence: Capable of outsmarting many, but not all, parrots
Attacks: +2 to-hit, bite (1d8+2) or two kicks (two 1d6), or one projectile vomit (10' cone, 1d8 poison, check Constitution for half)
Magic: 2ND, Charm Person and Sleep.

Queen Canisus
6HD (24HP), AC as chain, 10 morale
A rotund harpy the size of a Bili Ape, with carefully-groomed white wings and a crown of chewed gold. Maintains a harem of handsome young adventurers with Charm Person, applied through her genuinely beautiful singing voice.
Movement: Awkward hobbling on the ground, fast as an eagle in the air.
Morality: Brutal thieving rapist with a monarch's opinion of peasantry (Chaotic Evil)
Intelligence: A wicked, gullible child of 8
Attacks: +4 to-hit, bite and two kicks (1d8+4 save vs. leprosy and two 1d6+4), or one projectile vomit (30' cone, 2d8 poison, check Constitution for half) 
Magic: 4ND (Naturalmagic Dice, deplete and replenish like MD but can't roll mishaps or dooms), spells Charm Person and Sleep.

Meliprocles
3HD (9HP), AC as unarmored, 7 morale
This wizard has seen better days. His clothing is stained and tattered, and his spellbook is hidden in a pile of Canisus' treasures underneath a collection of scrimshawed skulls. If you helped him escape, he would be very grateful, as soon as you break the Charm he's under.
Movement: As unathletic college student
Morality: Loves his sister, dreams of a magitechnocratic world order (Lawful Neutral)
Intelligence: Higher than yours
Attacks: Ineffectual punch (1 damage)
Magic: 3MD (Orthodox mishaps and dooms), has the spell Mandregor's Clutched Fist prepared (see bottom of this post for all spells referenced). His spellbook contains 10 random orthodox spells.

A2, Eastern Witch Mountains

    A forbidding and near-impassable ridge. The tunnels of a fallen Dwarven civilization are occasionally accessible through cracks and sinkholes. A few decades ago, low-level adventurers would come here to scuffle with goburins and neanderthals for shards of dwarrow-metal and nuggets of gold. The ecosystem has been totally disrupted by the carrion crawler population explosion. Now the only thing a young adventurer will find here is death — death, and carrion crawlers.

Carrion Crawler
3HD (12HP), AC as leather, 5 morale
Squamous onychophoric vermin which eat anything and everything. Despite often being in excess of 10' long and 100kg in weight, they move in complete silence over level ground (over extremely rough terrain they engage their claws for traction, which produces a characteristic click-click-click). Carrion crawlers are ambush predators who use darkness and streams of glue from glands near their fanged mouth to sneak up on and disable their prey. Their eyesight is poor, but their sense of hearing is more sensitive than a cat's.
Movement: Never faster than a speedwalk
Morality: Animalistic predator (True Neutral)
Intelligence: Unusually high for a big bug. Form complex social structures in large nests, where mothers protect and raise their live-born young. Capable of understanding traps.
Attacks: Vicious crushing jaws (2d8), or a spray of goo (applies a -4 penalty to AC and all physical checks, can be applied multiple times. Removable with alcohol. 3 uses per day)
Soft Body — Can't survive long-term in an arid environment. Loses 1 HP an hour in sunlit areas. Takes 1d6 damage from exposure to salt water, and won't deliberately step across salt spilled on the ground.
Tremorsense — Landbound creatures can't approach within 20' of a carrion crawler without alerting it to their presence.

B1, Southern Witch Mountains

    A forbidding and near-impassable ridge. One of the only routes through the mountains and west into the exotic and foreign Golden Dunes is overlooked by a crumbling watchtower of an ancient empire. There, the Corpse with No Name abides with his many followers. They plot a series of coups which will result in the takeover of Granc' criminal underworld. There's a 1000gp bounty on the Corpse's head; becoming a lieutenant of the Nameless League may be even more profitable, if you don't mind getting your hands dirty working for a lich. At any given time, the watchtower contains 6d6 bandits, 2d6 Nameless Rogues, 2d6 Nameless Fighters, 1d6 Nameless Wizards with an equal number of drudges, and the Corpse with No Name.

Bandit
1HD (4HP), AC as leather, 7 morale
Rough sorts who prefer a high-risk lifestyle to one of consistent labor. Usually drunk.
Movement: as human
Morality: self-interest (Neutral Evil)
Intelligence: limited
Attacks: +1 to-hit, slingstone (1d6) or cutlass (medium)

Nameless Rogue
2HD (6HP), AC as leather, 7 morale
These rogues (as Assassins AB) dress in uniforms of slate-colored silk and carry two random thieves tools. They are typically equipped with slings and a pair of scimitars (medium weapons). Each fancies himself the next Nine-Fingers Gellman, and loves to brag about their past exploits, especially if they don't expect you to survive your encounter with them.
Movement: swift and silent
Morality: none apparent (Chaotic Neutral)
Intelligence: highly specialized in infiltration and murder
Attacks: +2 to-hit, with weapon.
Cipher — Has a +2 to INIT. Have a 2-in-6 chance to succeed with any thief skill in addition to their normal checks. Attacks against creatures who go after them in initiative have advantage.

Nameless Fighter
2HD (8HP), AC as plate, 9 morale
These warriors (as Bannerets AB with the Archery fighting style) dress in uniforms of off-white silk and carry a +1 sword, axe or lance. Besides this, they are also equipped with longbows (60' range, 1d8 damage). All are martial cultists who worship the Corpse with No Name and hope to one day be elevated to undeath alongside him.
Movement: hobnailed and lead-footed
Morality: bloodthirsty but honorable (Lawful Evil)
Intelligence: dim
Attacks: two at +2 to-hit with weapon (which might be a +1 sword, so that's +3 to-hit, or a longbow, which is a total of +4 to-hit)
Name of the Nameless — Has a +2 to INIT if they enter battle screaming "For the Corpse with No Name!".
Honorbound — Any oath they swear on "the Corpse with No Name" is absolutely binding.

Nameless Wizard
3HD (9HP), AC as unarmored, 7 morale
These sorcerers (as Necromancers ABC) dress in robes of black and white silk and carry silver-capped walking sticks which can project elemental rays. Their spellbooks are all very old, dating back to the empire that built the Nameless League's tower. The Nameless Wizards know a great deal of history, collectively, though most of it is colored with legend and self-aggrandizing nonsense.
Movement: as doddering old man
Morality: devoted to an ancient necromantic cult (Neutral Evil)
Intelligence: very high
Attacks: a ray from their walking stick (1d12 of either poison, fire or lightning, depending on if the staff is topped with an emerald, a garnet or a diamond), or just hitting you with the stick (a medium weapon with a silver spike)
Magic: 3MD, the spells Cone of Clattering, Clinging Blast, Bony Evil and Raise Drudge (from the link).
Undead Servant — Accompanied by a drudge, a simple undead servant that follows their orders.

The Corpse with No Name
6HD (30HP), AC as chain, 13 morale
Centuries ago this body belonged to an imperial officer, who was disgraced, stripped of his office, beheaded, and buried in an unmarked riverside grave. A brother of the Order of the Blue Star reunited the body with the spirit of a nearby vengeful ghost; whether the spirit actually belonged to the body is something even the Corpse with No Name doesn't know.  This nameless corpse is a powerful wight now, and it has no interest in its own past, despite the devotion of its cult.
Movement: as human
Morality: undead authoritarian (Lawful Evil)
Intelligence: keeper of ancient wisdom and horrible secrets
Attacks: three total, any combination of a +6 to-hit blow from its sword HOW MANY HUNDREDS (a heavy greatsword +2, constantly drips diesel fuel) or a +4 to-hit gouge with its claws (deals 1d6+4 damage and drains 200 XP on hit)
Barrow-Wight — Immune to non-silvered weapons and most mind-altering effects (Sleep and Charm &c), along with poison and disease and so forth. It's an undead, obviously.

B2, Blue Star Meadow

    This moist, flowery meadow sprawls over miles of foothills. The Sickle River, from the north, and the Avon River, from the west, flow into the Star Lake, and the Darval River flows out from there.
    On (or rather, in) the northeast side of Star Lake lie the ruins of the Blue Star Tower, allegedly full of wizard ghosts and carrion crawlers. If you visit, there's probably a little dungeon in there, maybe some treasure, I don't know, this post is already getting out of control — more importantly, you can find the bones of Brother-Librarian Egret. His ghost has been observing the carrion crawlers for five decades, and he has some absolutely fascinating insights into their mating habits. Unfortunately, he can't get more than about half a mile from his skeleton. Would you be so kind as to bring him to some city where he can find a scholar to record his observations?
    On the southern shore of Star Lake you can find the Well of Past and Future amid five standing stones. Those who drink from the well receive a blessing and a curse. The curse is that every person in the world, barring the drinker themselves and those in their immediate presence, forget everything about them. The blessing is that they receive a true prophecy about their personal future. The prophecy is always "You will suffer a life-threatening case of Legionnaires' from drinking tainted well-water".

B3, Darval's Ford

    This hex contains the northern half of the town of Darval's Ford. It contains all the services a small adventuring party would want — a blacksmith, a general store, a fletcher, a tanner, a tavern, a small apothecary, a temple to the Sun where a low-level cleric can heal, remove curses and undo level- and stat-drain, &c.
    The sheriff of the town is a woman named Maura, a Champion AB and the sister of Meliprocles. She has a stash of gold which she will dole out for the heads of harpies and carrion crawlers; 20gp each. She will also offer a reward of 200gp for the head of Queen Canisus, and can be convinced to offer the support of the town's watch (five youths in leather armor carrying massive billhooks) either to assist with her brother's rescue or for assistance on another adventure if the party has already rescued her brother and she owes them a solid.

C1, Darval's Deep

    The Darval River eventually empties into a deep pool in the heart of a vast overgrown crab-apple orchard. An old hydra named Makt Myrkranna dwells in the pool, and if propitiated with 50gp of jewelry, ornate armor, beer or fresh mutton he can become the patron of an adventurer. The hydra offers a selection of favors:

• Berserk rage for the duration of a fight, doubling melee damage and halving incoming damage
• The naming of a sword, granting it a +1 bonus, a three word name, and +1d6 elemental damage of your choosing
  
• Healing all fatal wounds of you or a companion

    Each of these favors must be paid for with a period of service lasting at least one full session. During this time the PC is unavailable to be played. Until the previous favor is paid for, Makt Myrkranna will not perform another.

Makt Myrkranna
8HD (40HP), AC as chain, 9 morale
This aurochs-sized serpent has five heads, one "primary" and the rest "secondary". Only the primary head does the talking. He is callous and unsympathetic, like all reptiles, and has a dark sense of humor. Really loves getting drunk. At least one head is always awake. Makt Myrkranna has inhabited Darval's Deep for hundreds of years, and he knows many stories about the past. Maintains a semi-friendly rivalry with the witch Sadoc Saga, over in C2.
Movement: like a charging bull
Morality: a drunk reptile, but still a fun guy (Neutral Evil)
Intelligence: smart enough to see through obvious lies
Attacks: +4 to-hit, one bite with each head (1d10+4 damage)
Magic: 4ND, Lightning Breath (which is just Lightning Bolt but he vomits the lightning, it's quite unpleasant)
Hydra's Heads — For each 10 damage Makt Myrkranna takes, one of his heads is severed or destroyed. If he doesn't take fire damage before the beginning of the next round, Makt Myrkranna regenerates 10HP and grows two more heads.

C2, Darval's Mill

    This hex contains the southern half of the town of Darval's Ford. It's home to the mill, and the wealthy miller Ifan who dabbles in a little alchemy from time to time, and the crone Sadoc Saga.
    Saga is a real old-school country witch. She's a hedge mage who sometimes lays curses on her neighbors, if personally offended or if the price is right. She also knows everything there is to know about local herbs, local beasts and local gossip. She sells a potent healing brew (2d4HP regained, removing fatal wounds at 2HP/per) for 10gp if the party is willing to gather the ingredients for her.
    Saga can share the following rumors, if plied with liquor:

1. Following the river west takes you to an ancient lake where a powerful water-spirit dwells (true; this is Makt Myrkranna and Saga knows a lot more about him than she's willing to let on to the honest Sun-fearing townspeople).
2. Carrion crawlers won't cross a line of salt (true; a bottle of saltwater also burns them for 1d6 damage and requires a morale check)
3. Harpies can be pacified by a talented musician (dangerously false; they hate non-vocal performance and are driven into a murderous rage by the sound of instruments)
4. The Corpse with No Name was once a member of the Order of the Blue Star (true)
5. Maura is an agent of the Nameless League who's been selling out the paladins coming from the capital (false; many townsfolk believe this, but the Nameless League is actually just much more dangerous than the low-ranking paladins anticipate)
6. There are still great caches of treasure waiting to be recovered in the Eastern Witch Mountains (A2) (true; also essentially irrelevant because they're literally crawling with giant predatory bugs)
7. Maura's brother, Meliprocles, was a pervert whose unsavory interests in feathered women got him killed, Sun rest his soul (false; Meliprocles is alive and mostly-well in the court of Queen Canisus in B1)
8. There's a ghost in the Star Lake who can tell you your future (false; Egret is almost totally useless, though he can direct you to the Well of Past and Future where you can actually learn your future)
   

Random Encounters:

1. 1d6 carrion crawlers pouncing on a (1d4: 1. lost cow 2. lost peasant 3. unlucky paladin 4. dumbass harpy).
   
2. 1d6 harpies harassing a (1d4: 1. peasant on his way to market 2. sexy but brainless bard 3. unlucky paladin (the same one, if applicable) 4. injured carrion crawler).
3. 1d6 peasants who will offer a paltry sum to escort them safely to town.
4. 1d6 bandits pretending to be scared peasants.
5. Sadoc Saga, gathering herbs.
6. A wandering paladin .
7. An escaped cow.
8. 2d6 bandits, lying in ambush. 
   
9. 2d6 carrion crawlers, stalking the party.
   
10. A Bony Horror, hunting (1d4: 1. you 2. also you 3. unlucky paladin (same one, if still alive) 4. you).

Spells:

Mandregor's Clutched Fist
R: 60' T: creature or object D: instant
The caster holds out their hand, clenches it tight, then swings it through the air. If targeting a creature, that takes [sum] damage and is thrown [dice]*10', saving to take half damage and not be thrown. If targeting an object, that object suffers the effect of being smashed by an invisible battering ram carried by [sum] angry orcs over the course of [dice] rounds (one die will probably knock down a locked door, two a wooden gate, three a carriage or weak wall, four a brick wall).

Cone of Clattering
R: n/a T: [dice]*20' cone, originating from caster D: instant
Caster points a finger and utters a word of power, and a cone of ossuarian tarantism bursts forth. Skeletons in the target cone begin to dance madly for [sum] rounds. Humans, animals and other creatures with endoskeletons must save to do anything on their turn other than dance in a random direction; if they fail, they may choose to take [dice] damage and act anyway. Insects, crustaceans and other creatures with exoskeletons get only one save to avoid this, and are otherwise rendered helpless for the duration. Animated skeletons may save every round to end the effect, if they wish.

Clinging Blast
R: 100' T: 20' sphere D: instant
All creatures in target volume experience [dice] attempts to grapple them, as if made by an invisible creature with [sum] Strength. If a target fails a single grappling check they are grappled for one round, if they fail two they are pinned for [dice] rounds, if they fail three they are subdued for [sum] rounds, and if they fail four or more their legs are broken. Flying creatures remain airborne, unless pinned.

Bony Evil
R: immediate vicinity T: unoccupied space D: [sum] periods of sleep for the world
A Bony Evil is summoned from the farther regions of darkness to appear in the target space. It obeys the caster's direct commands, resentfully, for the term of its service; after this it saves with a [dice] penalty or returns whence it came. The MD invested in the summoning do not return until the Evil is vanquished or returns home. When it is reduced below 0HP its body catches a strange green fire and dwindles to nothing.

Bony Evil
4HD (20HP), AC as chain, 13 morale
Movement: as enormous spider
Morality: petty cruelty, unnerving and then terrifying intelligent prey before striking (Chaotic Evil)
Intelligence: diabolically gullible
Attacks: either two attacks with held weapons at +4 to-hit, two swipes with its claws (+4, 1d6 damage, grappling those struck), or a bite against a grappled target (target checks strength or takes 2d6 damage, healing the Evil for [highest])
Magic: 4ND, spells Clinging Blast, Hairy Web (as Web but grosser), Cone of Clattering.
Gangleweaver — The Bony Evil can climb ceilings and walls.
Arachne's Child — The Evil may grapple eight targets, hold eight objects, or a mix of both. It shies away from sunlight, and attacks creatures carrying a lightsource with disadvantage.
Indescribable — the Evil can flow through any opening or passage that a skull could roll through. Every time it is struck by a melee weapon, one of its limbs is severed. This reduces its to-hit bonus and its carrying capacity by 1.