Saturday, June 4, 2022

Extra Credit Jackalope (Hexcrawl Inside An Elf)

    Jackalope entry for Robot_Face of the OSR discord, who asked for "A handful of hexes for a microscopic hexcrawl inside a human (or elf or something) body".

    This hexcrawl takes place on the reddened banks of the Arteria River, a major route between the Lower Body and the lands of the Upper and the Lower Legs.

A1, Atheroma Swamp

    A witch lives in this hex in a little hut that does not walk. As the Arterial Road ends here, she makes a meager living crafting embol-boats for travelers. The monks in C2 dislike her because of some old grudge, maybe related to a bad business deal, that neither party feels comfortable explaining.

Atheroma Witch
2HD humanoid, AC as unarmored, morale 6
Movement: Doddering old lady
Morality: Stern dowager (Lawful Neutral)
Intelligence: Wise and classically educated
Attacks: Cane (1d6 at +0), or spell
Magic: Create/Destroy Embolism, Poison Gas. 2MD.

B1, Pulse Wizard

    A clocktower stands on an island in the middle of the river. Its thumping, reverberating tones can be heard every hour on the hour in A1, B2 and C1 and sharp-eyed characters can see its silhouette from the shore. A Pulse Wizard lives in the tower and studies the bizarre geological phenomena he calls the "pulse". Esoteric tomes suggest the world is, itself, a living thing — if this is true, is the Pulse connected to some sort of cosmic heart? If this is true, why has it slowed so much in the last five years? He guesses at an answer which he does not want to be true.

Pulse Wizard
5HD humanoid, AC as unarmored, morale 9
Movement: Doddering old man
Morality: No sense of right or wrong (Chaotic Neutral)
Intelligence: Too smart for his own good, head full of horrible notions and old books
Attacks: Staff (1d6+1 at +1), or spell
Magic: Digestion Ball, Synaptic Lightning, Summon Macrophage, Bull's Adrenaline. 5MD.

B2, Road

    A long, dusty stretch of road, approaching near the river at its western end. Roll for two encounters in this hex.

C1, Mysterious Cave

    An overhang prevents you from seeing the cave's mouth from atop the cliff, but characters who investigate can see the disturbance it makes in the river's red current. As the DM you can slap any flooded dungeon you like in there.

C2, Golden Apple Abbey

    The main gate of the abbey is wide, and the monks welcome all visitors. They worship the Golden Blood Cells and believe that those who live good lives will be reincarnated as such. In the center of the abbey grounds is a tree that grows golden fruit. Liquor distilled from the apples will serve as healing-potion, and the monks will be generous with the stuff if you bring your own bottles and do them some small favors, such as delivering packages or insulting postcards to their neighbours.

C3, Femur Tower

    The tower reaches miles into the "sky" and is visible from every other hex. The tetrahedron that floats above it casts down golden light during the "day" and is dark at "night". You could march a parade through the door, with fireworks and Garfield balloons, and have plenty of room to spare. What's in there? I don't know. A megadungeon. A lost Golden Apple monk whose friends want him back. Something like that.

D1, Road

   A long, dusty stretch of road, running close enough to the river to smell it. Roll for two encounters in this hex.

D2, Hog Farm

    A man named Farmer Toad (who is a frogman, oddly enough) lives here and raises bloodcorn and miniaturized giant microscopic pigs. He is friendly, and will pay good money cobs of red corn for any golden liquor you have. He pours it all in a big bath in his house that he sleeps in, hoping to become immortal and/or a Golden Blood Cell.

Miniaturized Giant Microscopic Hog
4HD porcine, AC as leather, morale 10
Movement: Shockingly fast and powerful
Morality: Proud, hierarchical, hungry (Lawful Evil)
Intelligence: Illiterate, but smart enough to lay traps.
Attacks: Gore (1d6+4, +4 to-hit), topple (with a +4 to grappling checks), savage a downed opponent (2d6+4)
Farmer Toad
2HD humanoid, AC as unarmored, morale 7
Movement: Slow waddle but big hops.
Morality: Quaintly reactionary (Neutral Good)
Intelligence: No
Attacks: Pitchfork (1d8, +2 to-hit), thrown rock (1d1, 10' range intervals, +2 to-hit)

D3, Road

    A long, dusty stretch of road. The ground around it is littered with broken pieces of statue carved from elfbone. A signpost is erected here, helpfully stating GOLDEN ABBEY ←→ GUTS CITY. Roll for two encounters in this hex.


  • 2. Many Wizards. Wearing "protective suits" which closely resemble fishbowls and several waxed canvas sacks stitched together with yarn. Claim to be from Another World.
  • 3. Golden Blood Cell. A floating mote of light. Majestic. Mesmerizing. They are invincible to non-cursed weaponry, but thankfully are never hostile to creatures with 10 xharisma or more. Their only attack is to engulf a target and blend their flesh and bone. This attack raises xharisma to 12, if it was lower, and reduces max HP by 1 for each point of difference.
  • 4. White Blood Cell. A slimy white thing vaguely resembling a four-meter-tall elf. Ignores most creatures with a sneer. May demand "identification" from elfs or other fae-blooded creatures, and will attack if not placated. Fights as a 3HD fighting-man and is armed with a superlativesword or halberd.
  • 5. Red Blood Cell. A slimy red thing vaguely resembling an elf, overburdened with crates of raw trade goods, which it is carrying on foot to who-knows-where. Will defend itself as a 1HD fighting-man if interrupted or provoked. Armed with a pair of iron shortswords.
  • 6. Pilgrims, golden. Visiting the Golden Abbey in C2 and taking in the local attractions. Probably doing odd jobs for the monks.
  • 7. Pilgrims, bone. Visiting the Femur Tower in C3 and taking in the local attractions. They're planning on exploring the megadungeon and plundering it for theological insights.
  • 8. Pilgrims, thought. Visiting the Pulse Wizard in his tower at B1 and taking in the local attractions. Constantly bickering about cosmology. They hope the wizard can clear up a few points from his Ph.D dissertation, back when he studied in the Brain.
  • 9. 1d4 Escaped Hogs. As Miniaturized Giant Microscopic Hog in D2. Hungry, and mad about it.
  • 10. Merchant, eastbound. A small caravan of 1d3+1 carts, pulled by platelet-oxen. They've come from the exotic and faraway lands of the Lower Leg and are equipped with katanas and such. Carrying silk and erotic picture-books.
  • 11. Merchant, westbound. A middling caravan of 1d6+1 carts, pulled by platelet-horses. They've come from Guts City with a few tons of pneumatic farm equipment and religious picture-books.
  • 12. Confused Dragon. Why the Hell is he here. What the Hell is this place. Who the Hell are you people. You better answer fast, you're looking pretty snackable. As an 8HD dragon, color of your choice.

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