Other Sights of Minecraft

    Friend of the blog Fifth has posted on the sights of Minecraft. I played a lot of Minecraft multiplayer back in the good old days, and I'm familiar with the feeling of walking through a digital graveyard. You're in a world the size of seven earths, and while somewhere out there there might be three or four people — you can even talk to them if they're feeling talkative — you'll never, ever meet them. To augment the first list, here are twelve more sights of Minecraft (or from the ATM modpack) which you could also run into somewhere on the Outdoor Survival map. 

Source: The Red Tower, Giorgio de Chirico

1. A small homestead with a small herb garden is completely ringed by a glittering wall of faceted obsidian fifty yards high. Water pumped from an underground spring pours over the exterior of the wall in a neverending falls.
2. In this part of the world enormous monoliths of soil have been raised for no clear reason. Each monolith is a perfect cube thirty yards to a side. They stretch for miles, with the earth all around them scraped bare to provide material. A few have been dug out by hapless treasure hunters — apparently, after three or four strenuous excavations, they lost interest. Hundreds still remain.
3. Sheets of hammered copper form a solar disc in the heart of the desert. Time has turned them green as grass — a year? Ten?
4. Ten hollowed-out dragon eggs house ten enormous bees in a flask-shaped hole in the ground. The hives are full of fire, not honey. The bees are irritable.
5. A lonely mountain pass, carved into a monstrous face. The only safe path runs into the thing's mouth and out the back of its empty skull.
6. In a damp swamp, a copse of trees. Oak and apple, birch and blackthorn, mighty pine and trembling dogwood, bowing palm and tangled yew, trees that grow sorcerous fruit and trees that give magical lumber; the saplings must have been brought here from every land in the world.
7. A brick tower has been sunk into the seabed. If you're brave, you can descend the spiral stairs all the way down to secret tunnels beneath the waves.
8. Around the walls of a shining city, just beyond their sacred boundaries, some unspeakable war was fought. Ravines split the earth and lead down into unknowable darkness. Fragile catwalks of stone criss-cross the blasted hellscape. Pools of supernatural fire wait for unlucky steps, while other parts of the field are flooded or frozen solid or so incredibly irradiated that life is impossible. Vengeful demons are half-bound in shoddy cages. Hungry thieves armed with clubs or heavy stones are crouched in the rubble, waiting to ambush wanderers. If you must go, as I know you must, go carefully. But if you value your life, go quickly.
9. A hill with faces carved sheer, topped with stone walls. Tattered banners still fly but the interior of the fort has been totally ravaged. Nothing of any value remains.
10. An impossible bridge chaining two distant mountain peaks. One can cross leagues here without touching, or even being visible from, the ground.
11. A labyrinth under the earth. Dozens of corridors, perfectly parallel and perfectly perpendicular, have stripped the earth of her riches. Who knows how many poor fools have lost their way in the unbroken dark?
12. A lever on the wall shoves you into a pit. A lonely snowman is trapped at the bottom.

Interesting Guys, Theory Of, Examples Of

    The reason why dwarves have had such an amazing tenure in fantasy roleplaying games is the same as that which explains their (relatively) rapid disappearance from fantasy literature. Namely: all dwarves are pretty much the same. RPGs are very low-bandwidth by their nature. We start with a large group (not two people communicating, or even a crowd of three, but often as many as five or eight or, in the olden days, twenty), who all must more-or-less understand every part of a nonexistent scenario to the same degree, and who are only organized for a very limited time. In a fantasy roleplaying game, originality is not a universal good. If I create a setting where honungaleisant erdocans go around mimeteing thrinths by elsandele and irri-iwi, then it might speak to the true nature of the human condition, but I'm going to have a bugger of a time getting players to understand what the Hell is going on. "Thrinths are basically elfs, and mimetea is basically magic" is a powerful and useful phrase. Obviously, we want to have interesting characters: obviously, we are going to need to make our characters interesting in a way that is concise and easily communicated.

    Enter the humble dwarf — no, semiurge, stop, that was just stage direction, not an instruction. A normal PC gets maybe two or three details: this one is swaggering and nosy, this one is gluttonous and uncouth. Add a job title (e.g. "Fighter") and we've got as much of a character as we can possibly handle. But by relying on a pre-bundled set of tropes, we get to cheat this system. If one of our character traits is "dwarf" then, by golly, we actually get a dozen other character traits totally for free. What does Bob the Fighter do in town? No one knows and no one will remember. What does Bobgrund the Dwarf do in town? Spends all his money on booze, easy. What does Bobgrund do in the dungeon? Sniffs around for gold. The party is hit with a fireball; Bobgrund pats out his beard. The party encounters an elf; Bobgrund advises immediate execution. The party encounters an orc: Bobgrund advises immediate execution. The party encounters a goblin; &c &c.

Source: Dwarf Warfare Cover Art by wraithdt

    "All of this is immediately obviously true," you say? "We agree with you implicitly"? "You are very wise"? Thank you. But that's just the prelude to the actual reason I have written this essay and long list of guys. Longtime friend of the blog Phlox writes to us of "monsters of intuition", those which "have striking concepts, even when they lack total coherence". It's a good post with interesting examples, go and read it.



    Now that you have returned from reading Phlox' post I can introduce you to the Interesting Fucking Guys. For a few months, just to keep my hand in, I have been writing down short descriptions of Peoples, Species and Races as they come to me. They follow a simple pattern:

1. They are Interesting. They come with a set of behavioral expectations; there are ways in which a member of their people/species/race would behave in various situations which aren't the ways a generic Fantasy Human would behave. They are Interesting in that being one of them is a character trait. No exotic hairdos, simple latex prosthetics or goofy accents (i mean they can still have them but that's not their sum total).
2. They are Guys. By this I do not necessarily mean that they are from some kind of Star Trek all-male planet serving to illustrate an interesting point about gender relations this week. I mean that they aren't so exotic as to be useful only as something to read about in a blogpost. You could make your PC one of them. Your party could find a town full of them, and not be shocked that nobody told you about the next town on the road. They are Guys in that medieval bestiary sense, where they might have heads in the middle of their chests, but they still pay taxes and believe in Jesus Christ.

    Below, please find some Interesting Fucking Guys. 

    The Haraks. Ugly hairless apes (not in the same way as humans, humans have noses and eyebrows and chins). Harakan sleighs are pulled by a uniquely-harakan breed of enormous wolfhounds, who share their masters' bug-out black eyes, self-replacing shark teeth, and wheezing voices. Can't sweat, so stay out of the sun. Commonly raid human settlements for horsemeat (haraks obsessively hate/fear horses, also bees and wolves). Harakan ingenuity is responsible for most of history's wind-up holy men, clockwork birds that really fly, and self-resetting poison dart traps. Never touch iron if they can help it — the stuff stains them shiny red.

    The Garsk. Like Chewbacca but with catfish barbs instead of fur. Speak mostly in depressing warbles and blubs. Perilous strong. Can hit 30 miles an hour belly-crawling through shallow water. National instrument is an enormous brass horn shaped like a coiling snake. National holiday is to find the ugliest tree in the swamp, dance around it, sing, and drink hooch. Unwelcome in restaurants and hospitals (slimy, noisome). 

    The Gnostiche. Like a man, but with a long ribbon-trunk for a face with little wet eyes where one would expect nostrils and the nose and mouth at the end. Always wearing black robes. Instinctive understanding of horrible Frankenstein medical procedures. Can not hang. Sickened by smoke of any kind. Respond poorly to jokes about "do you smell that" or whatever. 

    The Uthiers. Crown of horns, aposematic coloring, jewel-bright eyes. Gay and warlike, love to play dulcimers and sing. Male uthiers have one side dramatically overdeveloped, with a longer leg, denser horns and burlier arm. Fond of saying "the limp makes the man" — that is, the greater the asymmetry, the more masculine an uthier is perceived to be. Most of males have a large left-side; right-sided uthiers (about one in ten) are generally believed to be talented liars, disappointing musicians, and ambitious politicians (which is true). Carry large, heavy canes with them at all times to settle scores. 

    The Angbards. Pale and ghoulishly thin, but uncommonly strong. Renowned for wisdom and long memories. Live as small bands of itinerant seers/architects/librarians. Angbards have sight so powerful they can see (in monochrome) thru closed eyes. If they open their eyes, their vision burns everything it touches; if they accidentally lock gazes with another angbard, or with the sun, they can't close their eyes again and will die if they can't quickly step behind something solid enough to hold back the flames. Don't know their own eye color, and are eager for you to tell them. 

    The Nimbads. Ridiculously tall, muscular, reptilian, like if a kobold made a fake dating profile. Murderously enraged by jokes. All nimbads make their living by card sharping, pool sharking, Three Card Monty, and various carnival games that no one else can ever win. Instead of eyes, they have pilot lights, and must wear smoked sunglasses indoors. 

    The Harpisch. There are no male harpies. Harpies reproduce by rape and murder of lone male travelers. Their daughters are true harpies, while their sons are killed and devoured as a rule. But sometimes, a soft-hearted harpy may expose a boy-child instead, and sometimes, before the wolves find him, the child is taken in by some peasant family. Over long generations, in communities near harpy-infested mountains, the demon-blooded harpisch appear: men and women with sooty eyes and yellow teeth, swift and silent and cunning. Not truly evil, but tending towards cruelty, and with unquiet souls which doom them to a life of danger and adventure. 

    The Halforcs. Orcs are made in the Mills of Arezura by master-craftsman Orcus. The first thing he does is drain your blood. While it boils, he skins you, taking care not to put holes in your hide. He blows the skin up like a balloon and lets it dry while he delicately removes your muscles (to later be sewn with iron thread by his apprentices). He washes your brain with rare alcohols. Your bones he kneads with a putty that makes them malleable; your spine he bends, your arms he lengthens, your skull he molds into some terrible image that pleases only him. When the demon-lord puts you together again you are empty and ugly and colorless, and you wait in jars that line his walls. Then someone buys you, to be dyed with their tinctures and dominated by their will. But if someone loved you very much, if someone led a daring raid on that mountain workshop, if someone freed you from your jar — ah, even then, you would live a halflife only, a halforc waiting to be filled with someone else's passions. 

    The Kissans. Flopsy ears and sniffling nose like a bunny. Velvety brindled coat. Lanky bowlegs twice as long as needed. Skilled excavators and woodcutters, who habitually clear and level land as their nomadic camps pass through. They squat down between their ridiculous legs while they work, and rise up 10' tall to sprint from danger. Capable of breathing in while speaking, singing, or just whistling loudly (kissans hate silence). 

    The River Nellies. Similar to aquatic mammals, with dense muscle, thick fat, sleek silhouettes, prehensile nostrils and ears to close off water. Nellie towns, miles long, can facilitate the building of docks and bridges — or tear them down and block access. A hostile nellie river is a more impassable frontier than any desert or mountain. Their cousins, the ocean nellies, are so large they cannot ever walk on land, but river nellies often tend to flooded paddies. Also they make weapons-grade glass and the only honorable death for a nellie male is to have his throat slit by his daughter using his own knife and if he only has sons one of them needs to take the pink pill and kill him. 

Fiends You Know and Fiends You Don't

    "Hunting is the labor of the savages, but the amusement of the gentlemen."
         - Dr. Samuel Johnson


Incited by FĒONDAS, ultimately from Luke Gearing's Monsters &. 

Source: Cupid Carving his Bow

asterions
asterions
asterions

• HD 8, AC chain, 2d6 damage
• always catches up (space and causality be damned), unless you find an opportunity and check stealth.

    Try as you might to find the way
    home from this labyrinth,
    eerie and
    rapacious,
    even your best plan has fallen through.

    Inside these tunnels, you've crossed your
    string more than once.

    Night is all around you now,
    or else he brings it with him.

    Each turn you choose, or
    seem to choose, describes some
    circuit, vast, not guessable from the
    adit through which you
    passed into the lair — and yet,
    examining your hurried map, do letters appear?

black moon oil
black moon oil
black moon oil

• HD 8, AC unarmored, 1d20 damage
• each good deed you've recently done gives you 1 point of DR.
• nonlethal blows deal no damage, but cut it into two pieces with half the health.

    Brave souls made a pact with one
    whose name has not survived.
    With the dreadful foe defeated,
    their benefactor came to demand his price.

    May G_d pity them, may He forgive their deeds,
    may He be ever watchful that they do not stir,
    from their debtors' prisons beneath the earth.

cultists
cultists
cultists

• HD 1, AC unarmored, weapon damage

    Every time you and your friends come to a new place, roll a 2d6; on a 2 or less they're here already, maybe disguised. If they fail to accomplish their goals then next time they'll appear on a 3 or less, then a 4 or less, and so on.

    Whatever it is they worship,
    whatever infests this country,
    it wants you, and will settle for nothing less.

dalghasts
dalghasts
dalghasts

• HD 2, AC as ghost, 4d6 damage
• may walk through physical objects with effect like lightning. Men wearing metal don't get a save.

    All fear death, of course.
    Some seek the paths that will leave mortality behind.
    Others, braver, pray: "At least let me be destroyed beautifully!" 

frankensteins
frankensteins
frankensteins

• HD 4, AC leather, 1d8+2 damage
• healed by lightning, repelled by fire. Fists can beat down steel doors. Smarter than you.

    Eyes pulled out of a girl's skull.
    Clever fingers cut off a spinster.
    Face sliced from a thief hanged for bread.
    Arms from a galley slave.
    Legs from a porter.
    Tongue of a great poet.
    Heart of a brave soldier.
    Brain of a murderer
    — the only original part.

golts
golts
golts

• HD 1, AC unarmored, weapon damage

    A golt is born when a child hates for the first time.
    Being hideous, they sometimes are humble.
    Being lowly, they sometimes obey others.
    Being fickle, they sometimes show mercy.
    Being clumsy, they sometimes take care.
    Being mortal, they sometimes feel fear.
    (the mirror, in all things, of the fairies).;

odians
odians
odians

• HD 1, AC leather, 1d6/1d6 damage
• may assume any living form. If it knows you well, its form is terrifying: save vs fear each round or lose your turn.

    Certain exotic reagents, crushed together, dissolved in wine, become a draught not of eternal life but of unlimited lives. Twenty years as a tiger, ten as a dog, two days as a mayfly, two centuries as a court wizard.

    Need I list these reagents? Count their price? Tell you no honest trade will ever buy these many lives? Tell you how easy it is to rob, murder, extort, when you wears forms other than your own?

    Need I warn you that, without the draught, you must take your own form again? Remind you of the power others had over you then? Remind you of the power you have over them now? 

    This is but one of the paths a man may walk to leave mortality behind.

renfields
renfields
renfields

• HD 2, AC unarmored, weapon damage
• uncannily capable grappler. When choking you and biting you and biting you and biting you and biting you, deals 1d6+2 automatically every turn.

    A blind slave is proud of his master's beauty, a stupid slave grateful for the length of his tether.
    A clear-eyed slave, a wise, clever slave, that one is happy and secure in his master's strength.

Appendix G

    Many people all over the world have been saying things along the lines of, "Michael, can you write a list of other works that have influenced you? I need to know because you're a big influence on my life. Michael, I want to be more like you. I want to look like you. I want to talk like you. I want to crawl inside you, Michael. I want your friends to be my friends. I want your life to be my life. Michael, I want to wear your skin, Michael. I want you to go away, Michael, and for me to take your place." 

    Sometimes people ask me (really, not like the previous paragraph. I was lying in the previous paragraph) (I don't know why they're asking G. R. Michael, I guess they're desperate) "how do you cultivate a style" or "how do you develop taste" or "how do you reach the point where you can create something and then not hate it". I do not know. Whoever knew that would master the world as if he had it in the palm of his hand. But I know that if you want to write a word you need to first read ten thousand words, and there are no bulk discounts. 

    This isn't even remotely a complete list, nor could a list ever possibly be completed. Every person is a library of sorts. I had to cut a lot of entries for being too recent; there have been a lot of cool and influential things since I started blogging in 2018 or 2019, but I've tried to limit myself to only the things that immediately sprang to mind (which logically are more influential than those things I had to actively try to remember), and to those which predate my blog. 

Web Originals

    I will not apologize for the breadth of my knowledge of dastardly bad webcomics; I have nothing to apologize for. Many early enthusiasts of the web saw potential in the "infinite canvas", and the idea that there were no material restraints on works. In the future, they thought, it would be common to have 3d comic strips, songs that can talk back, robo-toasters, &c. The real revolution, however, turns out to simply be that archiving digital data is cheap and easy. Many of the webcomics, online games, podcasts and blogs I'm about to link to have twenty years of history, but are no more difficult to read than a set of encyclopedias would be, if you already owned the encyclopedias. 

• Rice Boy, seminal work of weird web bullshit from Evan Dahm. If you click on a single link in this entire blogpost, make it this one. That's why it's at the first item on the first list. Read Rice Boy.
• Order of Tales, followup work of weird web bullshit from Evan Dahm. A slightly more conventional tale, with a plot and characters and so forth. 
• Fallen London, what can be said. One of two videogames to ever have good writing, though one could reasonably object that it has no video component, or indeed no real visual component. You could play Fallen London on the original Kindle. You could play Fallen London on an iPod Shuffle. Damn, I wish they still made iPod Shuffles. 
• Neopets, I think this one is pretty much destroyed now that Flash is dead. Sometimes I think that Neopets was the internet promised to us and its death was a sort of mayan 2012 apocalypse type thing. Maybe we've all been dead. 
• RubyQuest, representative of a now-dead medium. A forum adventure, like what Homestuck started as, but much simpler and much easier to read (it's real short). A young rabbit must regain her memories and figure out what kind of Blakean Hell she's found herself in. 
• NanQuest, a pseudo-sequel to the above. This one's about a goat lady, and Hotel California.. 
• Knifepoint Horror, a horror podcast by the inimitable Soren Narnia. I have a draft somewhere with a review of every single Knifepoint Horror story. They're all great, but I would advise new listeners to check out prisoner ("There is a curious fact about the tiny railway station mentioned by the teller of this story that he would never know: almost sixty years before the events he describes, the station was partially demolished in the night by someone or something unknown, and had to be rebuilt from the ground up. "), retaliation ("A cruel game of psychological brinksmanship between thieves breaks the sanity of the more dangerous competitor"), or moonkeeper ("A man thrust onto the streets must navigate their disturbing sights and sounds, all the while living under the threat of a monster moving relentlessly through their shadows").
• Antihero for Hire, a dark cyberpunk tale of superheroes and weird shit. Ongoing, I think. 
• The Water Phoenix King, a long epic in a unique and fascinating sci-fantasy world a little reminiscent of Spelljammer. Kyle Marquis (a name familiar to some of you freaks) has ideas that far outstrip his draughtsmanship, but I kind of like the drawn-in-Photoshop-with-a-mouse look. It's cozy. 
• Digger, a long dark tale about a wombat. Award-winning, finished. 
• Schlock Mercenary, which ran for twenty years as a daily strip (it's also funny and a great sci-fi story, but as Skerples put it perhaps the Work and Get-To-Itiveness is what it most deserves to be remembered for).
• Goblins, a sprawling fantasy tale about goblins. I don't recommend this one to be quite honest, but it had a lot of ideas and it's been going for twenty years on and off. 
• Elf, a tale of an elf. I accidentally reread the whole thing (it's not very long) and it threw me off my mojo and that's why I am posting two months after the Appendix craze ended. Oddly this one also has a wombat in it. 
• Gunnerkrigg Court, an ongoing tale of some magical kids in a magical university. A personal favorite of noted rape-doer Neil Gaiman. 
• Girl Genius, an ongoing steampunk story about a young woman and a magical castle. 
• Unsounded, no relation to the videogame UNSIGHTED. UNSIGHTED looks like it sucks but I didn't get very far so I don't know. Anyway, this one is ongoing. 
• Darths & Droids, wherein some crazy people turn the entirety of Star Wars into a loosely-connected-to-Star-Wars saga of tabletop humor. 
• Armless Amy, a gory neon-colored horror comic. Finished. 
• Broodhollow, a long-dormant webcomic about a washup dweeb moving to a small town and discovering its dark secrets. 
• True Magic, another sprawling fantasy tale. Semi-alive. 
• Back, a strange tale about cowboys and clowns. Finished! 
• 6 Gun Mage, elfs with guns. Finished! 
• Elf Only Inn, no, I won't justify this one, fuck you. Unfinished. Don't click on that link if you're going to bitch about it. Fuck you. 
• Order of the Stick, don't say "that's cringe", it's good, suck my ass. Ongoing. 
• 신의 탑, no, I won't apologize for this one either. I dropped it at some point but it's ongoing. 

Theater

• Coriolanus, not one of Shakespeare's most popular plays but one I've always liked for its treatment of pride. 
• Hamlet, I'm not going to fucking tell you what Hamlet is. Oh my glob. Go fucking watch it. 

Film

• A Dark Song, a movie about a woman and a sex-wizard doing black magic. 
• A Field in England, a movie about life in downtown Abergavenny (pronounced "a'venny" because it's in Wales). 
• We Need to Do Something, a horror movie about found family and learning to love yourself. This one is from 2021 but I liked it a lot so I threw it in. I know I said this would all be old shit, I don't care, this is my list. 
• They Look Like People, an autobiographical film by blogger G. R. Michael. 

Anime

• The Last Unicorn, a tale of the last unicorn in the world and her journey to save her sisters from a wicked king and his diabolical minions. Animation by Topcraft (predecessor to Studio Ghibli), soundtrack by America. All-time great. 
• Hellsing, goes incredibly hard, everyone's fit is tuff. Based. Tres cool. 
• Oban Star Racers, a racing anime in space. Earth must compete against every other civilization in the galaxy to win the ultimate prize — anything you want, granted by the all-powerful Avatar. The first "anime" I ever saw. 

Literature

• 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, oh my glob, am I going to have to explain all of these? 
• Moby Dick, just read it. 
• The Keys to the Kingdom, a children's fantasy series about the secret mechanisms of the universe. 
• A Series of Unfortunate Events, I'm not going to tell you about this one either. You know what this one is. It was pretty neat. This and Neopets permanently damaged my ability to speak english.
• that one Stephen King Dark Tower story about spider people
• The Edge Chronicles, a dark and gruesomely-illustrated children's fantasy series about flying ships at end of the flat earth. 
• Nine Princes in Amber, a fantasy series about the godlings who rule the world, and how much they suck. 
• The Book of Swords, a science-fantasy series about a bunch of magic swords the gods made just to fuck around and see what kind of trouble it would cause, in a far far far far future dying earth. 
• A Good Man is Hard to Find, "The dragon is by the side of the road, watching those who pass. Beware lest he devour you. We go to the father of souls, but it is necessary to pass by the dragon."
• Redwall, a children's fantasy series about talking animals with swords. Bloody and violent.
• Deltora Quest, a children's fantasy series about some magical gems and many horrible and unique monsters. Also a phavorite of Flox. 

Poetry

    I'm not going to summarize the short ones, you can just read them. I believe in you.

• The Ballad of St. Barbara, by Chesterton
• The Wild Knight, by Chesterton. I can't find the poem by itself anywhere (on the first two pages of Google results). There's the poem, and then there's a short play script of sorts, perhaps about a wicked man and a good man. 
• The Waking of Angantyr, traditional
• the works of Swinburne, in general. 
• The Waste Land, by T. S. Eliot. Elegy for civilization or something. Lots of banger lines. Goes tuff. 
• The Seven Pillars of Wisdom, by T. E. Lawrence. There's a poem in the dedication. They made a movie out of the rest of it (two movies in fact). 
• Idylls of the King, an epic poem by Tennyson about how fucking cool Prince Albert was. 
• Gateless Gate, I guess this goes here. 

Flash Games

    These are accessible through the Flashpoint archive.

• Ginormo Sword, one of the cunningest flash games ever made. Plotless but compelling. 
• Armed with Wings, a dark fantasy about dueling and shit, went hard. 
• Amea, a psychological horror RPG. 
• Neverending Light, a brief horror game, tuff. 
• Exploit: Zero Day, a puzzle game by Gregory Avery-Weir. 
• Hands of War 1, 2 and 3, a fantasy series about ideological conflict over generations. 

Other Video Games

• Iji, a scifi game about a young woman and her struggles with being a mass murderer (i.e. a video game protagonist). 
• The Crooked Man, an RPGmaker horror game.
• the white chamber, a horror mystery game. You might recognize the aesthetic; the artist now goes by OtaKing on the ol' youtubes. The other team members are also worth looking into.  
• Hitman: Blood Money, peak of the series in my opinion. 
• Rebelstar: Tactical Command, a Julian Gollop game (the XCOM guy) without all the boring basebuilding. 
• Cave Story, I'm not going to fucking tell you about Cave Story. You know about Cave Story already. 
• Zork, bite my shiny metal batty gap. Not the first, but probably the most famous. 
• Mount & Blade: With Fire and Sword, a DLC about black powder firearms. 
• The Fool's Errand, a vast and multilayered puzzle/mystery game with a Tarot theme. Makes you feel very clever. 

Art

• the work of John Martin. Goes tuff. 

Some Artefacts — The Second Dossier

   

Here's the first dossier from semiurge, get in loser it's time to get organized. Seven artefacts one might find, or at least read about, in the Facility. 

Pτ PHENOMENON - ACTIVE USE

RABBIT KING NAME
    Secret words of power identified with the ochlatemporal reign of P██████ L███, warrior-king through eternity, undying opponent of the Red Titan. The words, when written in wet blood, demand/extract hospitality and quarter from inhabitants of the Grave of the Ten Thousand, the Granite Tomb in the Sea, and the Door Under the Stele. Due to the expense involved in requiting this hospitality, standard procedure dictates that when operations require fireteams to descend into these or related ochlatemporal sites only their CO is briefed on the words of power. The words themselves demonstrate ochlontic properties; when written from memory, the memory is lost, and upon being read, their written form fades. 

(ochlatemporal - "mob time", related to mass hallucinations and collective memory of events)
(ochlontic - "mob being", related to things existing only in the noosphere)

Eκ ENTITY - DIRECT CONFRONTATION 

CYCLOPS DIAMOND LINE
    Species of beetle resembling Scarabeaeus sacer, though grossly oversized, being about fifteen meters long and ten meters wide. Anomalously produces enormous quantities of supercooled fluid inside its body, presumed to be liquid nitrogen, and expels that fluid through the joints in its armor. Through unknown but possibly related means the nests of this novel species generate enormous and destructive storms to both conceal and protect the eggs within. Infestations have caused an estimated thirty-five-hundred deaths over several incidents in unrelated urban centers within the past four years (see AARs for CUBIC CENSORSHIP TAURUS, ISLAND REVERSIBLE COBALT, PERFORM CHOICE OXIDIZER), and their rate of appearance is increasing. 

Keywords: Airborne, Animal, Alive, Biological, Carnivorous, Corrosive, Ectoentropic, Extraterrestrial [surmised], Geological [surmised], Hive-Mind [surmised], Hostile, Insect, Meteorological, Organic, Predatory, Religious [surmised], Reproductive [surmised], Sapient [surmised], Sentient, Species, Subterranean [surmised], Sun [surmised], Swarm, Thermal, Thermodynamic, Uncontained.

OΩ OBJECT - SUBJECT ARCHIVED

TIMESPEND EXCITING SECRET
    Hatf al-Hazar (الحتف الحظرد) was a sword forged by the historically attested King David, son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, in imitation of the sword carried by the Philistine Goliath and using secret techniques taught to him by Jehovah. The wielder of the sword is conventionally immortal, and the sword itself can cut through any material, including ██████-tungsten alloy, ███████, and ██ium. The sword was deemed superfluous during the 1996 restructuring of organization Oπ deep storage and was incinerated along with ███ other extremely similar weapons.

Lδ LOCATION - ONGOING CONTAINMENT

GREENHOUSE MOONLIGHT BENEFIT
    Eight square kilometer fairground east of R██████, ██. Once a year, on ██/██ (the anniversary of the execution by firing squad of songwriter and IWW activist J██ H███, born J███ H███████), this area hosts the "Die Wobbly Die" festival. The festival maintains a large but easily contained online presence on Facebook and friendly relations with the local branch of the American Legion. On the day of the festival, the opening of the gates at sunrise (approximately 5:30 a.m. local time) is accompanied by the ceremonial burning in effigy of Mr. H███ . A minimum of nine thousand guests will attend over the course of the next 18 hours; due to personnel cuts dictated by the Department of Government Efficiency it is expected that in 2025 this number will include uncleared local population.
    After the opening ceremony, all exits become impassable, though guests are free to explore the interior of the grounds. The facilities, including food preparation tents, firing squad-themed games and fairgrounds' security offices, are staffed with noncaused individuals. These NCIs maintain order on the grounds and are suicidally loyal to the organizer of the festival (believed to be M███ J█████ J████). After all events have concluded, the festival ends with a ceremonial maenadia beginning at 11:30 and ending at midnight. All attendees will be anomalously compelled to participate in the meal. The victim, an NCI, appears to be at least a visual recreation of J██ H███. Guests remain fully aware of their actions during the maenadia. Fairground exits unseal at midnight. The 2025 "Die Wobbly Die" festival is expected to feature appearances by Ben Shapiro, Kid Rock and Jim Bob Duggar.

(noncaused individuals - individuals who, for reasons of being ghosts, holograms, illusions, hallucinations or emotional echoes, are not human combatants and therefore cannot become prisoners of war subject to the Geneva Conventions)

CΨ CLARAA - CONTAINMENT UNNECESSARY 

WORM ASSESSMENT COLOR 
    Antagonistic assassin and mob enforcer and snoop. Resembles a hairless human male, 40 to 45, 6'5", 230 pounds, no visible nipples. Active under the pseudonyms Thomas or Tanner Palinode, Arthur Kirk, and possibly Guillermo Casal and Robert Newman. Palinode's homeworld is a water planet where humanity evolved from toothed whales. Organization phrenologists theorize that natives of Lχ PLUNDER POETRY CINEMA (often referred to as "Con-Noncon world") have blowholes in place of their standard morality bump. Natives have no concept that rape, cannibalism or murder is "wrong", and are only kept from mass social defection by the totalitarian authority of their warden-government. Few earth-human communities not part of international organized crime syndicates or combat units in active war zones are prepared for contact with Palinode. If fireteams encounter him in the field they are to immediately engage with██████████. ██████████████, █████████, ███████████████. ████████████ the ████████, ██████████████████████████ for the foreseeable future. DISENGAGE AND CONTACT ORGANIZATION AIR SUPPORT FOR IMMEDIATE EVACUATION. 

(antagonist - someone in the know, but not part of the organization or its allies)
(snoop - nonhuman resembling humanity) 

Oβτ OBJECT - FOREIGN BODY ACTIVE USE

UNMARKED VISIT BLOODSUCKER
    LSD derivative first developed by the Department of Scientific Intelligence, a U.S. Army-backed peer competitor, and referred to internally as "Lot 9". Initial exposure to Lot 9 is fatal to ██% of subjects. Survivors experience a range of effects, some radical, as detailed in addendum DSI-1981-LN4. Field experiments by organization medics have had many promising results over the previous four decades, several of which have led to other major projects including scribe conditioning and the modern development of psionics. 

(peer competitor - a karass with access to resources and understanding of the anomalous world similar to the organization)
(karass - any non-organization faction)
(scribe conditioning - failed supersoldier project which produced sociopaths)

PΩΨ PHENOMENON- SUBJECT ARCHIVED CONTAINMENT UNNECESSARY

MECHANISTIC WEDDING SIGNATURE 
    The Azoeth Forward Party is a nonexistent political movement with no presence in the physical world and no membership. Azoeth itself was an Ethical-35% anomalous entity destroyed in 196█ in operation ANATOMICAL PROPHET DEBT. After eight years of review, a committee created to analyze the possibility of Azoeth's survival determined that Azoeth was in fact killed and does not in fact still exist. The political party which seeks to elect Azoeth as president of the United States of America is an unrelated phenomenon.
Presence of the AFP's iconography in modern image-generating algorithms is assumed to be connected to the AFP anomaly, and not to the deceased ██████ ████████, which has been confirmed to no long exist. Further requests for information on Azoeth will be denied and repeat offenders will be reprimanded. 

(ethical percentage - in [T-E] operations, the maximum acceptable percentage of the human population expended to destroy a target)

Drugs

        I use a fair number of magical drugs and substances in my games, and out of the goodness of my heart and my universal love of all mankind I will share a few with you. All of these have both negative and positive effects, which is (in my opinion) the more interesting thing to do with relatively-common substances. Many of these can be purchased from hedge-witches, foreign tinkers and local apothecaries for reasonable price. 

1. Sermin Beans - poison, 10sp, 1 slot
   The small, bitter pits (technically not beans) of the Sermin Cherry (native to the Orange Planet but widely grown) can be crushed and boiled in water or soaked in wine to produce a powerful stimulant. One dose grants a save to remove one of the following miseries: pained, bloodied, drowsy, weary, half-drowned, shivering or sweating. Prolonged or acute use (doses on three consecutive days, or three doses in one day) gives the queasy and drowsy miseries. One sack makes twenty doses.
2. Nift Oil - poison, 20sp, ⅓rd slot
   This asphalt-capped earthenware bottle is filled with a thin black oil, squeezed from the acorns of the Nift Oak, resembling iron-gall ink. The oil leaves a metallic sheen on everything it touches, supple and weightless like dappled light, but impenetrably durable. If you anoint a creature with Nift Oil, they gain a +2 AC bonus and two points of DR to fire and normal weapons for the hour it takes for sun and air to denature the oil. If you drink Nift Oil, you will be so constipated you will pray for death. One bottle contains one dose.
3. Panacea - poison, 3sp, ⅓rd slot
   This bottle contains a thin oily red-black analgesic refined from certain flowers on another planet. A dose of panacea gives 1d6 temporary hitpoints and requires a HRTS check. On a failure, gain 2 points of intoxication (expands critical failure range). On a success, gain 1. Each bottle contains three doses.
4. Lotus Petal - poison, 10sp, negligible weight
   This large, dusky petal is harvested from the extremely rare Black Lotus flower and dried as an herb. When consumed by a mage, it adds an MD to their pool. It also does this for non-mages, but because they have no use for MD they immediately suffer from manaburn (each round, roll excess MD and take [sum] damage until all MD are expended).
5. Lamia Pollen - poison, 3sp, ⅓rd slot
   A vial of golden dust as soft and fine as cornflour, harvested from the Charybdis flowers. One dose, insufflated, produces several hours of positive feelings and gullibility, and grants advantage on checks against fear or agony and disadvantage on checks against charm. A vial contains three doses.
6. Gonshi Mushroom - poison, 10sp, ⅓rd slot
   This trypophobian dried mushroom grows only in the Prisma Vert, and is one of the Gnomes' most valued export. A small portion is, presumably, medicinal. Horking its toadesque bulbitude requires a full round of total focus. On the next round, the consumer takes two turns in a blur of action. Eating a gonshi in order to eat two gonshi simultaneously is how monks stress-test their circulatory system.
7. Mirget Root - poison, 10sp, ⅓rd slot
   This eyewatering dried tuber grows only in the Prisma Vert, and is one of the Gnomes' most valued export. Small amounts are exhilaratingly spicy; a full dose, undiluted, grants a point of Rage. Creatures with more Rage than they can handle immediately begin raging. One root is three doses.
8. Pillsilver - poison, 5sp, ⅓rd slot
   One round of vigorously chewing a large, clotted lump of metal and resin heals 1d6 hitpoints and fills an inventory slot up with torpor. One wooden tube contains three pills, each pill a dose.
9. Luffin Leaf - poison, 3sp, ⅓rd slot
   Finely-ground orange leaves imported from the Orange Planet. While smoking a pipe of Luffin, enjoy enhanced focus and a slightly-slowed perception of time, granting the smoker +2 on SNEK, SKLL, INIT and to-hit rolls. A pipe lasts for a minute. One pouch contains three doses.
10. Helljaw - poison, 5sp, ⅓rd slot
    A lump of red-gray filth resembling leaf mould, wrapped tightly in waxed parchment. Inexperienced users find the taste (powerfully astringent like cheap red wine) and the effects (dizziness, increased blood pressure, vague feelings of aggression) overwhelming, and must leave it in their lower lip and frequently spit their blood-red saliva. Hardened addicts chew their helljaw like pine sap and swallow the saliva. One dose grants up to an hour of gloomvision (granting dim light penalties in direct sunlight, removing dim light penalties in dim light). Habitual use dyes the teeth blood-red; extended habitual use slowly colors the eyes acid-green. One packet is ten doses.
11. Black Carome - poison, 50sp, negligible weight
    A single dose of this prized substance (its exact source a total mystery in your country) reverses all magical aging or weakening effects (c.f. the touch of a ghost, Feeblemind, the bite of a vampire, too much lead consumption) and greatly improves the functions of ones bowels. Applied to the face, it removes wrinkles as if reversing five years of time. Its exorbitant price is partly due to the fact that it must be stored in an air-tight golden vessel, usually a vial smaller than two knuckles and kept on a fine chain.
12. Lady's Tears - poison, 1sp, ⅓rd slot
    A dried garland of one dozen of the delicate white flowers one sometimes sees growing on seaside cliffs. They retain a faint smell, a little like salt and a little like carrion. A dose brewed into a tea will scar the soul for 1d6 XHA damage (healing as normal) but allows the drinker to speak with otherwise inconsolable/implacable ghosts. A dose can also be burned, which will shed an illusion-revealing light for a few moments. One garland is twelve doses.
13. Poacher - poison, 50sp, negligible weight
    This slick blue goo reacts violently with almost anything other than glass or living flesh, and is usually kept in a small "button" on a cord around the neck. Breaking the glass between your teeth will shred the inside of the mouth, throat and stomach, allowing the Poacher to suffuse into the system and destroy any other substances therein. This cures, undoes and reverses any other poisons, though it has no effect on parasites or hexes, and interacts dangerously with prosthetics and implants.
14. Waterfire - poison, 5sp, 1 slot
    Fine dark-silvery grains of an alchemical reagent. Upon exposure to water, vigorously produces pyrophoric phlogiston. 1 dose is a water-activated light source for ten minutes; 10 doses are a water-activated bomb dealing 2d6 damage within 20'. If painfully inhaled, a dose will produce phlogiston inside the lungs, allowing one to breathe without air. One bottle of mineral oil contains enough powdered reagent for ten doses.
15. Ill-Song - poison, 10sp, ⅓rd slot
    This chalky white dust is ground from the bones of the elderly who have starved to death, which is really fucked up. When insufflated your XHAis 0 for 4d6 hours. For the purposes of spells, this makes you an "object" instead of a "creature". Ghosts and other spiritual beings cannot perceive you. Sunlight burns you like fire for the duration.
16. Greenjuice - poison, 1sp, negligible weight
    The shell of a common tidepool shrimp, fried until crispy and ground into a powder, can later be colorlessly and odorlessly mixed into water or wine. A few hours after drinking, the target of this harmless prank will turn a brilliant shade of emerald green. The coloration lasts for several days. Many jurisdictions forcibly feed greenjuice to their prisoners and slaves to make it more difficult for them to escape into the normal population. Extended use eventually leaves green bands in the hair and fingernails. One shell makes one dose.
17. Clean Conscience - poison, 20sp, ⅓rd slot
    The milky fluid that weeps from broken stems of the King's Friend flower can be processed into a balsam samekh which gives a deep and dreamless sleep. Those who sleep 8 hours under the influence of the drug gain the benefits of two nights' untroubled rest. Clean Conscience is addictive, and for a week after its use partakers must check HRTS to sleep restfully without it. Unwitting partakers may check HRTS every ten minutes to fight off the effects, falling asleep (as Sleep) on a failure. One bottle of gums contains ten doses.
18. Loka Mint - poison, 1sp, ⅓rd slot
    The smell of fresh or dried Loka, somewhere between clover, lemon and wintergreen, is a powerful repellent to insects, undead, Evil, and outsiders of all types. When regularly consumed at meals (one dose a day) it grants the habitual user an extra save against the effects of poison and black magic, and the first time their blood is spilled forces nearby insectoid/undead/Evil/outsider creatures to check morale or retreat from sniffing range. One pouch contains three doses.
19. Snake Milk - poison, 30sp, 1 slot
    A small wooden case containing ten tiny vials, one hypodermic needle, and one of those plunger thingies for feeding baby cows. No one knows why the pale-yellow oil is called "snake milk", or where it comes from, but certain secret organizations can sell it to you box-by-box according to your needs, if you know what doors to knock upon. Consumed, it gives disadvantage on HRTS checks for 24 hours, but whenever a mutation is rolled the consumer may roll twice and choose. Injected, it allows a biomancer to easily meld flesh. Various artificial life forms (cyberdragons, manticores, cave giants, homunculi) need this stuff instead of sugar or sunlight. You looted this from a person who will want it back — and you should be careful, because carrying a vial is enough to convict you of fleshmongery in most jurisdictions.
20. Fright's Blood - poison, 5sp, ⅓rd slot
    Considered a candy and a medicine (like Fisherman's Friend) by the kobolds who produce it, you don't want to know what it's made of. Warm-blooded creatures who consume it experience torpor (-4 to physical checks), numbness of the mouth (inability to speak any language but your native tongue), and a strange burning in the limbs like a combination of nervous energy and massive allergic reaction (carrying capacity doubled) for 24 hours.

Three Grimoires

        I was going to make a wizard school for each traditional school of D&D magic (Abjuration, Conjuration, Divination, Enchantment, Evocation, Illusion, Necromancy, Transmutation), but I couldn't think of that many Divination spells, or Evocation spells, or Illusion spells... or Transmutation spells... or Necromancy spells, for that matter...

    Anyway, here's three sets of spells for the three schools I could find cool spells for. Most of these are obviously classic D&D spells.

ABJURATION

Line in the Sand
R: touch T: a willing, armed creature D: indefinite
The caster draws a holy sign on the target and their melee weapon, then holds up their hands and begins praying aloud. The spell ends when they lower their hands or stop praying (it is usually impossible to cast other spells while waving your hands in the air and praying aloud). For the duration, the target of this spell projects a circular red shadow on the ground describing their weapon's reach. The target may immediately attack any creatures that step on the shadow, with bonus to-hit and damage equal to [dice].

Circle of Sanctuary
R: touch T: a valid sacred object D: [sum] hours
The caster draws a holy sign on the target. A line of light describes a circular perimeter around the target in a 100' radius. For the duration, creatures with hostile intent cannot cross the perimeter or attack a target within the perimeter without passing [dice] saves vs. fear. Creatures inside the perimeter who attack a creature outside the perimeter make [dice] saves; they take [sum] damage if they fail any of them, and are ejected from the Circle of Sanctuary at 120km/h. Demons, devils, elfs, fairies and Outsiders treat the perimeter like a wall of impermeable and opaque stone and can enter under no circumstances.
"Valid sacred objects" are most typically altars in temples, though they may be the bodies of fallen kings, small woodland shrines, or (in extremis) a patch of earth anointed with the prayers and a small amount of the blood of those it would protect.

Dispel
R: touch T: an enchanted person, place or thing D: instant
Lightning wreathes the caster's hand as they touch the target. Target's magic is undone if it was cast with [dice] MD or fewer. Attempting to dispel a magic stronger than the Dispel always fails, and the caster takes [dice] damage, no save.
If cast on a magical item, some will be destroyed, others rendered mundane, and some may regain their power as time passes or on certain events, depending on the strength of the artifact.

Counter Spell
R: sight T: a caster as he casts D: split-second
Caster raises their hand and speaks a word of power. The spell being cast by the target has its effective [dice] and [sum] reduced by [dice] and [sum], respectively. If both are reduced to below 0, the spell rebounds against the target.

Wizard Armor
R: self T: self D: [sum] hours
Caster dons an invisible suit of armor. For the duration, their AC is improved by two points per [die]. The armor is made of magical force, and so doesn't impede the caster or pull them down in water.

Hand of Peace
R: n/a T: a [dice]*60' cone, originating from the caster D: split-second
The caster holds up a hand and projects a circular, invisible, indestructible forcefield 12" in diameter. All magical projectiles in the target area violently fling themselves against the forcefield and are vaporized. All non-magical projectiles in the target area do the same, unless in the quiver of a creature who passes a save to protect them. Melee weapon attacks against the caster are made at [sum] penalty for one round; weapons that miss because of this penalty violently fling themselves against the forcefield and are vaporized.

Protection from Harm
R: touch T: a willing creature D: [dice] hours or until discharged
The caster draws a holy sign on the target's brow. Target gains a pool of [sum] temporary hitpoints, which absorb damage from up to [dice] sources of the caster's choice:

• Impacts (blunt weapons, falls, falling rocks)
• Perforations (bullets, arrows, punji pits)
• Edges (swords, claws, spinning blades)
• Blasts (dynamite, fireballs, cavedamp)
• Energies (fire, lightning, magic)
• Ghosts

Common Courtesy
R: sight T: a contiguous area up to [dice]*500' square D: variable
The caster must walk through the area as they cast this spell, reciting ancient words of warding and alarum. They may choose [dice] of the following effects:

• Sound cannot pass from within the area to without. Creatures inside the warded area can still hear sounds from without.
• The perimeter of the warded area is obscured by a 20' high wall of silver fog. Creatures inside the warded area can see through this fog.
• Doors and windows are tightly sealed, and can only be opened with a DC20 MOVE check.
• Corridors are filled with a dizzying, choking smoke. Creatures who pass through these corridors must save or become turned around and return out the way they came.
• Up to [dice] magical lights appear in designated areas. These lights shine brightly, and turn blood-red in the presence of enchantments and illusion.
• Up to [dice] magical mouths appear in designated areas. These mouths speak messages of up to 25 words upon perceiving a designated trigger.
• If a creature larger than a mouse crosses the perimeter, a loud chime sounds throughout the area.
• If a creature larger than a mouse crossed the perimeter, the caster receives a psychic premonition, which awakes them if they are sleeping.
• Scrying the warded area or a target within the area reveals only dark, ominous shadows.
• Fire does not burn within the warded area.

As they cast this spell, the caster may designate any number of creatures in their immediate presence to be immune to any or all of these effects, or choose a password which if spoken aloud renders a creature immune to any or all of these effects. The spell lasts for [sum] minutes at one MD, hours at two MD, days at three or weeks at four. If continually cast on the same area for a year, the spell becomes permanent.

Ritual Cleansing
R: touch T: various D: various
The caster scribes signs on or above the target(s) while reciting ancient words of blessing and dedication. If cast on up to [sum] small flasks of water, they become holy water, which will burn the undead and unholy like fire for [dice] rounds. If cast on up to [sum] creatures as the caster draws holy symbols on their brow, they are purified, gaining a [dice] bonus to checks, saves and morale until the next dawn. If cast on a corpse, the body is preserved for [sum] days during which time it does not decay and cannot become undead. If cast on two adults while touching one with each hand simultaneously, they are wedded, no save; effects vary.

Trackless and Traceless
R: touch T: up to [dice] creatures D [sum] hours.
The caster touches the brow of each target and recites ancient lines of safety, deception and strange belief. For the duration, the targets leave no footprints, make no sound on gravel or other noisy surfaces, pass over harsh terrain as if it were level highway, gain a +10 bonus to stealth checks, and cannot be grappled.

Banish
R: shouting distance T: a creature of up to [dice] HD D: instant
The caster levels an accusing finger and pronounces the sentence of banishment. Target saves. If they fail, they throw down their arms and flee until they are certain the caster and the caster's allies cannot reach them.
If the target is not native to this plane, they may be Banished whatever their HD, and must pass [dice] saves. Upon failing any of them they return to their home plane.

Bind
R: shouting distance T: a creature not of this world D: [worst] hours
For the duration, the caster dances around the target reciting ancient lines of domination and enslavement. The target, and anyone else, is free to try to interrupt the caster as they do so. At the end of each hour the caster must check constitution or become overwhelmed with supernatural weariness and fall asleep.
If the caster completes the spell without interruption, the target is bound to their will for a year and a day. The target will obey all commands, though if this is not in their nature they may follow the exact wording to the worst of their abilities.

CONJURATION

Unseen Servant
R: 15' T: a volume 10' high with a 5' square base D: indefinite while MD are invested
Caster summons an invisible, intangible force into the target space. This force has 1 HP and is immune to everything except magic and lightning bolts. It can lift and move objects inside itself very slowly and gingerly. It lacks the motive force to cause damage with impact alone, and it would lose a tug-of-war with a toddler, but it might be able to tip a bottle of poison into a cup or pull the trigger of a shotgun trap. The invisible force obeys the caster absolutely, and can perform simple and repetitive tasks about as well as a highly intelligent parrot could. If necessary, the force can move at a pace of about 1' per second, carrying a maximum of [dice] slots of inventory as it goes. The unseen servant dissipates when the caster dismisses it or when it moves more than 120' from the caster.
The unseen servant perceives everything inside its space. It can copy books extremely quickly, and can take dictation (though it's a bit shit at it). It would be an excellent housebreaker, but it doesn't know how to do that, so it's more like an excellent lockpick (and that only while the caster is directing it).

Mark/Recall
R: n/a T: see description D: permanent/one round
Caster gives it a moment of thought, and permanently marks their exact current position in their mind. They may later return to that point with one round of shouting, focusing and finger-waggling. If the Mark component was cast with 1 [die], the Recall must also be cast with 1 [die]; in this way, the caster may have several Marks, each coded to a separate quantity of MD. Marks can be re-cast at any time. The caster can bring exactly 1 sack of inventory with them — either their personal equipment, or a second person if both they and the caster are buck naked.

Polyscatter
R: sight T: [sum] slots of inventory and HPs worth of creature D: instant
Caster claps their hands then strikes an expansive pose. Targets appear at random positions within [dice] miles. Unwilling creatures get a save. If the [sum] didn't cover all of a creature's HP, they instead take damage equal to the portion of [sum] allotted to them as random particles of them get teleported off and lost in the Astral Plane. A set of clothing is 2 slots.

Flaming Sphere
R: 120' T: an unoccupied sphere 5' in diameter D: ten minutes of concentration
The caster snaps their fingers, and a great raging ball of fire, a sphere of 5' diameter, appears in the target space. On the caster's turn in combat they may verbally command the ball to move to another point up to 30' feet away. The ball rolls across obstacles shorter than itself, and may leap gaps up to ten feet wide. It navigates spaces about as well as a morbidly obese flaming dog. It has excellent hearing, but no sense of smell.
Creatures who are struck by the ball, or who end their turn within 5' of the ball, must [save] or take [sum] damage. The ball is physically weak and has a consistency like cotton soaked in kerosene, so can only really hurt creatures or damage the environment with its heat alone. It is doused promptly if dropped in water, and burns to nothing at the end of the duration.

Grasping Hand
R: 120' T: an unoccupied space 5' in radius D: [dice] minutes
Caster holds out their hand and focuses on the target space for the duration, causing a shimmering hand of moon-silver to materialize. The hand has 20 AC and [sum] HP. Each turn, in lieu of attacking or moving, the caster may move the hand up to sixty feet. As part of this movement, the hand may ball up and strike, open and shove, or claw and grasp. The hand strikes as an attack based on the caster's INT mod, dealing [dice]+[INT mod] damage, and shoves/grasps as an opposed grapple check, using the caster's INT instead of STR. The hand may also lift and carry [dice] inventory slots of items, open and close doors, pull levers, cut ropes, or anything else a big scary glowing metal hand could do. Experienced Conjurers can "swing" from the hand as if it were a grappling hook or "slide down" as if it were a fire-pole with a successful SKLL check.

Hound of the Far Stars
R: 30' T: unoccupied space large enough for a horse D: 8 hours
Caster waves their hand and summons forth a sidereal watchdog of [dice] HD and [sum] HP. These creatures have four backwards legs which end in six-figured hands, 18 AC pelts of silver hair, and three heads. One head is capable of "barking" like a sounding brass, one head is capable of twittering and whistling like a bird, and one head has a crocodile maw that bites like a heavy weapon +[dice]. They understand "sit", "heel", "keep watch", "sic 'em" and "help help help!" in all languages. Sidereal watchdogs are slavishly, suicidally loyal to their summoner and will ferociously attack any creature they perceive as a threat. They can carry up to 4 sacks while running like a greyhound and climbing like a monkey. When slain, sidereal watchdogs dissolve into silvery mist.

Sumptuous Meal
R: 20' T: tables or surfaces suitable to bear fine china D: up to [sum] minutes
Before this spell can be cast the caster must ensure that the area where food will be served is clean, comfortable and well lit. In a dungeon environment, this may involve sweeping floors, dusting furniture and setting up several lamps. Over the duration the caster sings, dances, jumps, claps, tells jokes, and generally attempts to amuse the spirits of good fortune and plenty. While they do this, the spirits prepare and produce [dice] rations of fairy food every minute. When the spell is over the feast may begin. The food (served on gem-studded dishes with aluminum cutlery) is filling, fresh, steaming hot (or freezing cold as appropriate) and delicious enough to heal every eater [dice] HP. Eating more than your share of the food may anger the spirits (roll reaction, trying to get 8 or better), and attempting to nick some for later always does. The spirits curse buffoons and greedy-guts with a hitpoint malus equal to [dice], healing at a rate of 1/day as with other such maluses. Particularly large and boisterous barbarians, orcs, growing boys &c may be able to avoid the penalty. Regardless, after an hour the food and all the dishes disappear.

Evil Star
R: n/a T: a sphere [dice]*10' in diameter, one pole touching caster's palm D: [sum] rounds
This is an old, old spell, taught to the College of Conjuremen many centuries ago by a friendly-but-hungry native of the outer darkness. When the caster raises their hand and speaks a word of power, impenetrable shadow fills the target volume. This is not a natural darkness, or even the oppressive "true dark" of the deep underworld, but a void flowing from the space between stars: light sources are snuffed, magical lights dispelled, powerful magical lights violently dispelled, and creatures without infravision completely blinded. Things in the darkness take [dice] cold damage every turn from exposure, and a further [dice] acid damage from being licked by long wet tongues in the blackness. Creatures who die in the darkness are consumed and are never seen again. Furniture is totally ruined. The caster may move while holding up the sphere.

Alien Terrain
R: sight T: up to [sum] 5' squares of terrain D: permanent
Target terrain grows into a thick and horrible jungle of toxic plants and sharp spines, which are 20' high and block vision and ranged attacks. Passing through the alien terrain on foot requires a STR check for each 5' square navigated; on a failure, the creature attempting to force passage is trapped and entangled and can move no further that round. Entangled creatures with exposed flesh take [dice] poison damage when they end their turn in the alien terrain. A human armed with a machete and a torch can clear one 5' square of alien terrain in one minute. The soil of our world cannot sustain the plants and they will wither and die on their own within a few weeks.

Air Bubble
R: 30' T: head or object not much bigger than a breadbox D: [sum] hours
Up to [dice] targets are surrounded by a sturdy bubble of fresh air at sea-level pressure. This bubble keeps out water and poison gas and keeps in air pressure during exposure to vacuum. The air remains magically fresh for the duration of the spell. Water-breathing creatures take must SAVE or take [sum] damage as they fight their way free of the bubble.

Wormhole
R: 30' T: unoccupied sphere of sufficient size D: one minute
Before this spell can be cast the conjuror must procure a flawless, fist-sized diamond, which is the focus of the magic. The caster claps their hands around the gem and spreads their arms wide, causing the diamond to fly to the center of the target volume and open into a spherical wormhole up to [dice]*5' in diameter. This wormhole can lead to any point on any plane which you have ever seen, or that you know of in extreme detail. Passage through the wormhole is instantaneous. If you wish, you may instead speak the true name of an individual as you cast this spell; the other end of the wormhole opens on top of them, and they fall through to your end if they're small enough to fit. This conjuring does not, in and of itself, engender strong feelings of fraternal love in them. Planar lords are immediately aware if you attempt to reach their domain with this spell, and may counter it without effort. The wormhole collapses at the end of the duration and the diamond falls to the ground; objects and body-parts halfway through the wormhole are neatly severed.

Wish
R: n/a T: n/a D: n/a
The greatest of all spells, single-handedly marking Conjuration as the queen of the arcana. When cast, you may Wish to mimic any other spell in existence, with effects of [dice]+1 and [sum]*2. You may Wish to produce an object which could have been made by [sum] master craftsmen working for a year and a day. You may Wish to fully heal, restore, purify, replace limbs of, cure, repair and remedy up to [sum] humanoids, or have a commensurate effect on other powerful creatures. You may Wish to undo up to [dice] rounds of time. You may Wish to undo a doom in a creature, including yourself. You may Wish to obtain [sum] more years of healthy life.
If you wish (heh), you may instead choose to Wish for a god to act in some way to achieve some effect more far-reaching and complex than those previously ennumerated. You may not choose exactly how the god accomplishes the task, so it may be wise to establish a good working relationship beforehand, or else risk seeing the Wish distorted in some way.
When you cast Wish you accrue a special wish-casting doom. Each wish-casting doom permanently reduces your HP by 6, and these missing hitpoints are never regained (except by another creature's Wish). If this reduction would leave your max hitpoints at some number below 0, you vanish from existence as soon as your wish has been fulfilled.

ENCHANTMENT

I couldn't find a guy that really said "enchanter", you know. Here's some generic wizard.

Vicious Mockery
R: hearing T: a creature who understands your words D: instant
Caster spouts a series of horrible insults and calumny against the target, the target's morals, the target's heritage, &c. This deals [best] psychic damage. If not in combat the target makes an immediate reaction roll with a penalty equal to [dice], possibly provoking a duel or brawl. If the player can think of a particularly funny, cutting and target-appropriate insult, the DM may rule that the target instead makes a morale check with a penalty equal to [dice], fleeing in tears if failed.

Lesser Power Word
R: hearing T: a creature who understands your words D: [dice] rounds
Caster speaks a word of power, and the target saves or obeys for the duration. The traditional words of power are translated as COME (target approaches by the quickest safe path, and waits by the caster), RELINQUISH (target drops their equipment, and does not attempt to retrieve it), FLY (target flees in terror), GROVEL (target falls to their knees, and bows to the caster), HALT (target stops moving, and takes no action), and SUFFER (target screams and writhes as if in extreme pain, and ends any magical concentration). The effect ends early if the target is attacked by the caster or takes damage from any source.

Champion
R: touch T: a creature D: one minute
Caster touches the brow of the target, which may be themselves. They gain [sum] temporary hitpoints for the duration, do not roll morale, and automatically succeed saves v. fear.

Stupefy
R: 10' T: a creature D: ten minutes
Caster surreptitiously gestures at the target, who becomes noticeably more stupider for the duration. For the duration, the target checks intelligence to disbelieve all but the most obvious lies, automatically fails checks to accomplish complex tasks, mishaps on all spell casts, fails all initiative rolls, and has a [dice]-in-6 chance to offend those they talk to.

Pedagoguery
R: self T: self D: up to [sum] minutes
Caster begins a longwinded, self-aggrandizing yet oddly hypnotic speech. Non-hostile creatures who hear and can understand this speech stop what they're doing to listen. Creatures who consider the caster to be a bastard, idiot, liar or petty criminal may save to avoid this effect. After the speech ends, creatures come away with [dice] simple concepts of the caster's choosing which they are now pretty sure are true, or at least valuable, insights about the world. Creatures who consider the caster to be a bastard, idiot &c do not fall under this effect.

Anointing
R: touch T: a weapon D: [best] successful attacks
Before this spell can be cast the enchanter must procure a slot of valuable oils and perfumes. As they anoint the target weapon in a ten-minute series of rituals, they intone prayers of victory and glory. The weapon then has bonus +[dice] damage and to-hit for the duration of the spell.

Confusing Gaze
R: self T: self D: [sum] rounds
Caster projects lunacy, chaos, and a sickly green glow from their eyes for the duration. Creatures may choose to look away, rendering the caster effectively invisible to them for the duration. Creatures who look at the caster at any point save. If they fail, they roll [dice]d8 on the following table and perform the result each round until the spell ends:

1. Scream nonsense aloud in their native language
2. Close their eyes firmly and squeal
3. Dive to the ground and bury their face in the dirt
4. Drop whatever they're holding, sharply
5. Dart 20' in a random direction
6. Make an attack against a random creature in reach
7. Attempt to eat the most palatable object within reach
8. Spin around until dizzy

Because of the frantic energy granted by the confusion, affected creatures can perform more actions on their turn than usual.

Fairy Silver
R: touch T: up to [sum] slots of items D: one week
Caster looks around, suspicious like, and rubs the target items on their sleeve or hem. Creatures of [dice] HD or fewer, other than the caster, incorrectly perceive the items to be masterworks, solid silver, particularly fine examples of their kind, collectible, or otherwise worth 10x their actual value. More powerful creatures may save v. charm to avoid this effect. Creatures who pass the save, and any affected creatures at the end of the duration, then correctly perceive that they have been duped by some fucking wizard.

Power Word: Kill
R: hearing T: a creature who understands your words D: instant
Caster speaks a word of power, traditionally translated as DIE. Targets with fewer than [dice]*6 HP die. Otherwise they take [sum] damage, save for half.

Geas
R: hearing, T: a creature who understands your words D: indefinite, or [sum] days
Caster speaks a word of power, traditionally translated as FULFILL. This places a magical command upon the target to carry out some service, or to refrain from some action or course of activity, as desired by the spellcaster. The geas may not compel a creature to kill itself or place itself on a path to certain death, but there are no other limitations. If after [sum] days the creature genuinely believes the task, as put to it exactly, cannot be completed by them, the geas ends. Strongwilled creatures or creatures with more HD than [dice] may resist this geas; each day they do so inflicts 1 point of damage to each of their stats, and this damage does not heal until they return to the task.