Wednesday, December 25, 2019

A Sack Full of Toys (Merry Christmas to All)

Here are a bunch of magical artifacts and character quirks. This is scraped off of a two-year-old Google Doc where I put down as-yet unused material. The tone and quality may vary, possibly to a large degree. Some of these are not good ideas. I make no guarantee and the user assumes all risks. Merry Christmas.
This picture is a little horrifying but I hope you accept it in the spirit intended.

1. Unicorn Cigar
A small, delicate cigarillo. It is extremely high quality and smells like rainbow frosting. When smoked your HP maximum goes up by 2d6 and your lifespan increases by the same number of years. One unicorn provides enough material for one cigar.
If you smoke even a single unicorn cigar, Fairies can always tell.
2. Devil Cigar
A really good cigar with a spicy aftertaste. Devils hand these out pretty much constantly and throw in cases of them lagniappe for a deal. Regular access to these is the sign of a dangerous person. 
3. Phoenix Cigar
A cigar made out of reddish tobacco. You and your equipment cannot be burned while smoking it, and the ashes reform during the next new moon.
There are only 108 of these in the world and some of them are forgotten or irretrievable. Archwizards smoke them as a badge of office.
4. Troll Cigar
A really awful cigar. It burns backwards — that is, as you smoke it it gets longer. Eventually you can cut it in half to get a second troll cigar. Three kinds of people smoke these: the miserably destitute who can afford no better, the members of the Thugs Guild who think awful cigars are macho, and spies who want you to think they are part of the first two.
5. Pollywog Gloves
Green with sticky white pads on the fingertips. While wearing these gloves you can swing your weapons underwater as if you were on dry land.
6. Pollywog Hood
Looks like a cute cartoon frog with big eyes. While wearing this hood you can breathe underwater.
7. Pollywog Slippers
Big, floppy green toes that make splat-splat-splat sounds. You can walk underwater as if you were walking on dry land.
8. Blind.
You can't see but you can speak with the dead.
9. Bloodwrath.
When initiative is rolled, roll a d6. On a 6 you are raging, and will attack the closest person. You always deal full damage while raging. Every time you roll a 6 the range you need to roll on the d6 increases by one (6, 5–6, 4–5–6 etc.)
You can always choose to enter bloodwrath but you still roll to see if the range increases. When your chance to rage is six-in-six you are no longer capable of controlling your character during combat.
While raging you must throw down your shield and use your weapon two handed (die size up). If already using a two handed weapon, you pick up a second weapon and use your previous weapon one handed (die size down, attack with both simultaneously.)
10. Monastic.
People mostly won't attack you, but you can't carry edged weapons. If you start a fight everyone knows you broke your vows.
11. Thief.
Good at sneaking, bad reputation.
12. Wanderer.
Always get an extra roll on the rumor table.
13. Warrior.
Start with an extra weapon and an enemy with a grudge.
14. The More Sword.
When you draw this sword, you split into a bunch of color-coded copies of yourself. Each have a color-coded copy of the More Sword and are wearing color-coded clothes. You can't die unless every copy dies. Dead copies come back to life if any copy makes it back to the stone.
15. Gust Jar.
A little bigger than a mason jar, made out of blue and white ceramic. Sucks things in and blows things out. Shreds shrubbery good.
16. Magic Boomerang
Always returns. Hits around corners.
17. Magic Bombs
You can carry 20 of them in bag the size of a bowling ball. 3d6 Thunder damage; half on a con save.
18. Hookshot
Powerful automatic grappling hook. Doesn't work on smooth stone or metal.
19. Ice Rod
A successful attack roll freezes and incapacitates an enemy. If they take damage they break free from the ice.
20. Fire Rod
Creates a 5x5 foot square of fire. Recharges after 10 rounds/one minute. The fire is magical and sticks around on its own for 5 rounds/thirty seconds, setting flammable things on fire.
21. Cane of Pacci
Flips objects upside down and sets them down gently. If you cast this on an object which is held in place, anything inside it is rapidly ejected.
22. Beetle
Retrieves objects and returns to roost on your wrist.
23. Sand Rod
Raises sand in great waves. A dangerous weapon in the hands of a clever adventurer.
24. Friendship Ring
25. Red Ring
A gorgeous ruby the size of an egg on a art-deco silver band. Doubles damage you deal with weapons.
26. Blue Ring
A gorgeous sapphire the size of an egg on a rococo gold band. Halves the damage you take from weapons..
27. Green Ring
A massive emerald, so heavy its steel band must be worn on two fingers. Doubles your weapon damage; halves weapon damage taken.
28. Cursed Ring
The grey stone on this ring is carved into the shape of a hooded face. All damage you deal is reduced by half. All damage you receive is doubled. Master swordsmen wear these just to experience a little challenge.
29. Expert Ring
The red stone on this ring is carved into the shape of a closed fist. Your punches and kicks deal as much damage as a sword.
30. Blast Ring
This ring has a shiny piece of jet shaped like a bomb. Your bombs deal twice as much damage.
31. Rang Ring
A blue stone crooked 100°. Boomerang damage doubled.
32. Maple's Ring
The orange stone on this ring resembles a bow. Cute witch girls like you more and give you stuff.
33. Toss Ring
The pale stone on this wring is shaped like a feather. You can throw things twice as far.
34. Swimmer's Ring
Blue stone, shaped like a swirl of water. You swim twice as fast.
35. Charge Ring
A silver ring with a little silver sword on it. Spin attack readies instantly.
36. Light Ring 1
Small green stone in a silver flower. Your sword beam still works at three-quarters health.
37. Light Ring 2
Small blue stone in a silver flower. Your sword beam still works at one-half health.
38. Green Lucky Ring
Shield-cut emerald. Half damage from blade traps.
39. Blue Lucky Ring
Shield cut sapphire. Half damage from laser traps.
40. Gold Lucky Ring
Shield cut topaz. Half damage from falling.
41. Red Lucky Ring
Shield cut ruby. Half damage from spike traps.
42. Green Holy Ring
Oval cut emerald. Immunity to electricity.
43. Blue Holy Ring
Oval cut sapphire. Immunity to fire.
44. Red Holy Ring
Oval cut ruby. Ignore bludgeoning damage which is lower than 6.
45. Snowshoe Ring
Large, square-cut ruby. Walk normally over ice and snow without slipping.
46. Roc Ring
Odd triskelion-shaped orange stone. Any object you can balance on will bear your weight; this includes weakened floors, rotting fences, and the tips of tree branches.
47. Quicksand Ring
A strangely-shaped blue stone which seems to change shape when you aren't looking at it. You can't be moved by the environment — currents don't push you while you swim, quicksand doesn't drag you down, moving floors glide beneath the soles of your shoes without disturbing you.
48. Red Joy Ring
The red stone resembles a coin. Double money received.
49. Blue Joy Ring
The blue stone resembles a stylized heart. Double healing recieved.
50. Gold Joy Ring
Two gold coins from a lost empire, fused into one hideously tacky ring. Double money, healing received.
51. Octo Ring
Looks like a little statue of an octorok on a ring. Turns you into an octorok. Octoroks won't attack you.
52. Moblin Ring
Looks like a little statue of a moblin on a ring. Turns you into a moblin. Moblins won't attack you.
53. Likelike Ring
Looks like a little statue of a likelike on a ring. Turns you into a likelike. Likelikes won't attack you.
54. Spin Ring
A copper ring with a little copper sword. Spin attacks deal double damage.
55. Bombproof Ring
This ring has a ruby shaped like a bomb. You are immune to your own bombs.
56. Energy Ring
An electrum ring with a complicated art-nouveau design and a small red stone. Your spin attack is a beam instead, following the same rules.
57. Whimsical Ring.
Large cushion-cut ruby. Critical hits instantly kill the target, whether they are a mouse or a mighty dragon. Your weapons otherwise deal no damage.
58. Hope
A dagger with a robins-egg blade. Heals instead of deals damage.
59. Despair
A dagger with a sooty gray blade. Deals damage equal to triple the healing the target has received today (sum up all of the healing!).
60. 00 The Fool
A cheap bit of cardboard with the classic Pixie design, stocked by most alchemists. Your next critical failure is a normal success. The card burns to ash when this happens.
61. 10 Wheel of Fortune
A cheap bit of cardboard with the classic Pixie design, stocked by most alchemists. Light the card on fire, roll 5d20, record the results. The next five times you would roll a d20 consult the list instead.
62. 11 Justice
A cheap bit of cardboard with the classic Pixie design, stocked by most alchemists. Every attack you make hits and you are hit by every attack made against you. If you make or receive a critical hit the card burns to ash.
63. Flaneur
Class: A spoiled noble brat. Quickwitted, armed with a foil.
64. Witch
Class: A universally hated outcast. Spiteful and powerful.
65. Occultist
Class: A born sucker. Unpredictable and cowardly.
66. Soldier
Class: An enthusiastic killer. Chipper and disrespectful.
67. Lancer
Class: A care-worn veteran. Helpful but haunted.
68. Priest
Class: A naive want-to-be. Loaded with miracles, freezes in a pinch.
69. Sandman
Class: Secretly a spider-puppet.
70. Lonk
Class: A classic hero. Carries everything on his back.
71. Alchemist
Class: A dangerous lunatic. Convinced he can defeat death; will die trying.
72. Skellington
Class: A bony redneck. Blue-collar working-class salt-of-the-earth, immune to magic.
73. Scriborrheic Pen
When you write down your thoughts with this pen, things from Elsewhere write down theirs as well. Communication is possible but strenuously recommended against.
74. Flying Blade
A dagger. While you are holding it, you and your equipment are invisible except for the knife.
75. Not-Knife
A dagger. While you are holding it, it is invisible.
76. Devilbone Dice
A pair of six-sided dice, white and black. If you roll them, record the results. Add the white die to your next d20 roll. Subtract the black die from the roll after that.
77. Occulted Mask
Classic domino mask. Anyone wearing this mask just looks like "a masked man", regardless of any other identifying features. They all look like the same masked man, too.
78. Staccato Stiletto
Awful goblin weapon. Sticks in the wound, dealing 1d4 damage a turn. If the attack was a surprise the knife is stuck in their back and they can't pull it out by themselves.
79. Counter Ermine
Sucks up darkness, letting you see without light. When you take it off and throw it on the ground the ermine releases the darkness in a cloud 20 feet across.
80. Beech Dummy
Stick your hand up its ass and feel something bite you. You are now a two foot tall, six pound wooden puppet. Don’t worry, no one will notice; the dummy will take good care of your body while you’re gone.
81. Tabula Nefekh Anthrax
carefully written alchemical instructions, in the Occulted language, to make powerful explosives out of silver bullion.
82. Rebel's Boots
pour flour into the right boot, pour out as much gunpowder. Pour corn into the left boot, pour out as much lead shot.
83. Mirror Mask
anyone who looks directly at you sees a doppelgänger. not really a great mask. not very stealthy.
84. Lucky Star
hold this small silver spoon to speak with your birth star. Eccentric personality, sees anything that happens outside at night. will help you unless you are working against another person with the same birthstar (there are 108 possible birthstars). in that case, will attempt to negotiate peace.
85. Foolish Hope
bloodstained crossbow bolt with poorly carved runes of Dragonslaying. 4-in-6 chance of being incorrectly identified as runes of Vampireslaying. Do not shoot a vampire with this.
86. MY DIARY đź’“
Personal journal of Ozurdex the Groping Hand, the Necroprince of Hell. Someone has used it to press flowers — in fact, they have used every page. The text is now illegible. Opening the book kills every bird within half a mile.
87. Ring of Saffron
wear this to exude a pleasant scent.
88. Alchemical Sapphire
a lump of the material, with a screw attachment to fit on the tip of a foil. Alchemical sapphire affects the supernatural. Hunt ghosts with a sword.
89. Packet of Lead Sugar
tastes like home. lose a point from your highest stat. 1-in-6 chance (cumulative) that you get it back after a full night’s rest.
90. Everlasting Candy
never need to eat again as long as you keep it in your mouth. 1-in-6 chance of swallowing it if you take damage. roll for a mutation on subtable: “Totally Fucked” when you do.
91. Goblin Toothpaste
gives you a green smile and a quiet discontent that never really goes away.
92. Elf Toothpaste
gives you a sparkling smile and a sense of superiority.
93. Hobbit Toothpaste
made with 100% free-range hobbits.
94. La Carte Tortue
extensive notes on the migration of the giant island turtles of the southern seas. one is marked with "montagne d'or & enorme serpent"
95. Golden Lock
the hair of some unknown warrior. tie around someone's wrist to inextricably bind them. tie around someone's throat to kill them, even if they don't need to breathe.
96. Widowmaker Shawl
during the day a very nice cape/blanket/ascot. at night a voracious mimic.
97. Anfractuous Pearl
If you break it open, there is another anfractuous pearl inside which is the exact same size. the pearl fragments are otherwise unremarkable.
98. Eyewatering Thurible
You are blind and invisible while incense burns in this thurible.
99. Ylem Shard
two-inch fragment of green glass sharp enough to cut anything instantly. hold the blunt end carefully. much, much more Real than you are.
100. Null Pondwater
drink this to smell like nothing permanently.
101. Devil's Horn
"Sound not in peace; Once in doubt; Twice in peril; Thrice to perish." If you blow on this horn once, you summon an obedient devil to protect you from your enemies. If you blow on it twice, you summon 4d6+4 devils. Once plus twice is three times and so all of the devils immediately kill you. You suckers make this too easy.
102. Silver Brush
The brush is coated with a layer of silver metallic liquid at all times. Whatever surface you brush turns into a perfect mirror for 30 minutes
103. Lead Pendulum
doubles the duration of magic all effecting or caused by you (good and bad)
104. Brilliant Periapt
weak undead abandon everything to run away from you. visible five miles on a clear day, fifteen on a clear night.
105. Arid Fan
food fanned with this object immediately dries out and can't be spoiled by normal means. ineffective but irritating when used on humans.
106. Goldbug Glass
a telescope that peers through solid objects instead of air. Confiscated from a bank robber.
107. Skeleton Key
When you attempt to unlock a door with this key the door turns into a skeleton as difficult to kill as the lock would have been to pick
108. Thousand-Fold Bow
A seasoned yew bow which has been folded more than one-thousand times. impressive, but real trick is finding arrows that small.
109. Black Mirror
Looks deep. Really isn't that deep.
110. Clumsy Hand
A tiny silver hand. When you sneak it into someone's pocket, their punches and kicks have incredibly poor form.
111. Idiot Strength
A copper icon of a flexing man. +1 to strength, -1 to intelligence when in your possession.
112. Unbreakable Nut
An almond in a shell. Totally indestructible. Older than the universe.
113. Flame-of-Fire Eye
A painting of a dangerous lich's one true love. If you make eye contact with the figure in the painting you die instantly, no save. You probably encounter this wrapped thoroughly in brown paper with clear instructions on the back.
114. Ring of Ugliness
Your name is now Stephen.
115. Ring of Annato
wear this to exude a pleasant scent. You know where the Ring of Saffron is and you really want to kill the person wearing it.
116. Ring
Doesn't do anything, but when you put it on it whirrrrrrrs up like a jet engine.
117. Bipartite Ring
Rotate one part of the ring relative to the other to change your perception of time. The effects are logarithmic - one quarter twist makes you see the world ten times slower, one half one thousand, three quarters one million, full turn ten billion. Make a save every year or lose your mind.
118. Rock of Taste
Piece of sandstone, tastes like whatever the last thing it touched was (probably your hand)
119. Orichalcum Razor
Cuts through anything instantly. Refuses to cut living flesh or anything which the razor personally considers to be beautiful.
120. Cloak of Non-Description
Even better than a cloak of invisibility. Nobody really notices or cares that you are wearing this huge billowy cloak, and they'll never think to check the pockets. If you wrap yourself up then most people will just ignore you and then forget that they ignored you.
121. Sleep Draught
200% efficiency sleep. Four hours, out cold, can only be awakened by magic. Most alchemists stock this.
122. Dried Crocodile Penis
dried penis of Lorn Set, the Smiling Bachelor, God of Crocodiles and Headhunters. Currently suspended in expensive scotch sealed in an alchemical sapphire bottle. If you open the bottle He immediately knows where you are. Do not open the bottle.
123. We Come In Peace
a scimitar named for the elfish lettering on its blade. d8 slashing, 2d8 surprise attack on shorter people or dwarfs.
124. Svetlana
A steel smith’s mallet. Once a day, the wielder may summon the shade of an ancestor with 8 HP. Shades must be paid in weapons and armor. At the end of the day, they take their equipment back to the afterlife to fight demons.
125. Ontoclysmic Svetlana
Same as Svetlana, but it summons three shades and they are all carrying an ontoclysmic Svetlana.
126. Old Man's Eye
a brand burned onto the forehead. The Old Man Under the Ice can see through this brand and may choose to whisper into your mind. He desires to be freed from his prison under the southern seas. As his body is eight miles long he is always looking for more icecutters.
127. Fisher's Cicatrix
an elaborate scar formed by the ritual tearing of flesh with hooks. The Fisherwoman can only manifest by controlling the bodies of her faithful. She desires to punish oppressors and hunt powerful warriors.
128. Piper's Brand
a brand made by applying a red-hot set of silver panpipes. There are no (beneficial) supernatural effects, but the Piper’s cultists will not murder people who are so branded. She hates cities and farmers and wants to destroy them.
129. Gore Candle
a candle made from the tallow of hanged men. when burning, all weapons under its light deal maximum damage. crime bosses like to keep a few of these around so their pathetic mooks can actually accomplish something.
130. Earth Angel
small crockery angel. casts Earthquake centered on itself if damaged.
131. Flint Hook
a divinely shaped sickle of enchanted flint. An attuned user can inflict 1d4 slashing at 60 feet with no attack roll. Currently used in the masses of the Kind Reaper to ritually harvest grain.
132. Landscape with Tarn and Several Bears
An oil painting on wood, stolen from the palace of a duke of Hell. It has moved through many hands in the intervening years as thief steals it from thief. Whoever owns the landscape is King of Thieves — a title made difficult to hold by the duke’s Soulsniffing Hounds.
133. Bucket of Waterbane
a small pail filled with a thin tar-like substance with a silver lid containing it. When poured over a floor, a 20' circle of the slippery oil coats it. Anyone except the user who moves on it must make a dexterity check or fall down.
134. Rod of Utkarsh
If you point at a pyramid with this wand and say "Mine!", the pyramid teleports to your house.
135. Amber Bell
small, like the kind you would use to attract the attention of a servant. quiets thunder and stifles lightning.
136. Hungry Tree
Pour 1HP of blood on the roots of this tiny tree and a gold coin will blossom. Doesn't have to be your blood.
137. Petrifying Cookie
a collection of fortune cookies. The fortunes all read “you will be turned into a stone statue”. Don’t eat the cookies.
138. Salt of Vermicide
when thrown, does 3 damage to everything in a five foot radius or 3d6 to an insectoid monster. Anything killed by the salt is dried out and will be preserved indefinitely.
139. Infinite Mustache Machine
a machine which imprints mustaches on faces. for every day the machine goes without printing the mustache gets longer, and every consecutive day of use the mustache gets shorter.
Scale goes Hitler <-> Chaplin <-> Cop <-> Captain Hook &c.
140. Cat Tokens
2d6 tokens bearing the likeness of a black cat with bat wings. When broken in half and thrown on the ground the token summons a black cat with bat wings.
151. Snow Urn
an ancient clay urn capped with a rubbery top. When the top is off the urn continually sprays out frigid air. This effect lasts for 8 hours, then it it must recharge (capped) for 24 hours.
152. Cursed Deck
A deck of cards that reveal their identity to their owner while face-down. No one else can see this effect. If you own this deck and don't use it, you lose every game.
153. Planning Parchment
Any plans or idea written on this paper will seem like a really good idea to anyone you show it to. The effect lasts for an hour; then they stop to reconsider and possibly get very angry.
154. Unknowable Component
small bit of unidentifiable material. Its cold like metal, rugged like wood and the color of dirt. It can be used to replace/repair any broken tiny part of a machine or object.
155. Light Shovel
A shovel lighter than air. It can be used to dig twice as fast as ordinary.
156. Ring of Sickness (Minor)
touching someone with this ring will make them feel sick for as long as you can see them
157. Rocfeather Greatsword
a six-foot-long black and white feather, made out of a material harder than any steel. Far too light to be effectively swung and the edge is too uneven to slash, so it must be used like a saw.
158. Alcahelion Stone
Turns metal back into sunlight while it contacts this stone. Ten pounds takes half an hour. Silver is immune because it is made out of moonlight.
159. Helpful Cane
A wooden stick to lean on. Behaves exactly like an ordinary cane (1d6b) in every way, except for the fact that you can use it with one hand even if both your hands are already full.
160. Moses Cane
A wooden stick to lean on. Behaves exactly like an ordinary cane in every way, except for the fact that it turns into a 3HD loyal cobra at will.
161. Stonekin Flesh
Cut a bit of your skin off and sew this on. Gain 1 hitpoint. You can probably do this ten times, if you can find enough stonekin to cut up.
162. Stonekin Heart
Take half damage from bludgeoning, piercing and slashing. Must replace original heart. Can’t be removed.
163. Glass Octothorp
Fits in your hand, and lets you see your alternate selves in other universes in the moment of their stupid, stupid deaths. Maybe you can learn something from their suffering.
164. Arid Underground Graveyard
Dungeon name. This shit full of mummies.
165. Withered Labyrinth
Dungeon name. Underground, full of evil plants.
166. Bloody Horsemen Quarters
Dungeon name. Centaurs? Men with the heads of horses?
167. Den of the Dead
Dungeon name. Ghouls, I suppose.
168. Treacherous Acid-Worm
Makes its nests on old battlefields. It likes to sleep on a bed of iron and steel slag. But since it is always growing, it needs more and more slag — so it has learned to be very good at provoking war between neighbouring countries.
169. Door of Choice
A spell. Cast it on an enemy and the two of you are transported to a subdimension consisting of a small room and two doors. One door leads to certain death. One door leads to certain, immediate death. Your enemy gets to choose first.
170. Door of Fate
If you go through this door, you die instantly on a 2-in-6. The doorframe can be carried around, and is a wildly effective (but hard to use) bludgeoning weapon.
171. Torque Cube
The two halfs of this cube turn with respect to each other. The dwarfs have built their civilizations on these weird rocks.
172. Scarf of Ethereality.
Choke yourself out with this gorgoues sequined scarf and your soul is released onto the material plane. You can stay there for however long it takes you to choke yourself into unconsciousness.
173. Katabasis
A 10th level spell. For 1,000 miles in all directions a freezing-cold wind blows from north to south at 200 miles per hour for 2d4 weeks. This disrupts weather globally and will gain the attention and anger of any relevant g_ds.
174. Last Wish Diadem
When you die while wearing this diadem, you can cast a spell or make an attack. It succeeds automatically
175. Smoking Mirror
Consumes one day of your past in exchange for one day of your future. Might eat your last memory of your father, or an important lesson, or the day you learned how to face your fears. Eventually reduces you to an immortal automaton.


  1. What a fabulous list! 93 made me giggle, does 114 have a story behind it? 173 is fascinating, 84 is an interesting idea that could come with its own list of birthstars, 58 and 59 are a cool set of items, can I just stab my friends over and over with Hope to heal them up?

    1. Thank you for your comment from 2 years ago. 114 is named after a player of mine, who tormented me with lists of bad magic items (some of which I accepted and added to the list anyhow, as i recall 102, 103, 110, 111 and possibly the mustache machine are his). I responded with 114, and he responded with "Ring of Bad Ideas: Your name is now Michael". That last one did not make the list.