Sunday, January 19, 2020

Monkey Dad (Class: I don't know how to categorize this one)

You are a monkey dad. You are a dad, and you are a monkey.

Class: Monkey Dad

    You are a monkey who is also a dad. Every time you gain a level in this class you will roll on the table of Monkey and/or Dad Qualities and record the result. You can't wear armor unless specially designed for monkey, but your thick hide gives you AC as leather. Your bare hands are light weapons and you can wield simple weapons. Swords, bows, guns and weapons that require more advanced manual dexterity are sadly beyond your monkiebilities. You can't speak human language, but you can understand it and can communicate through sign.

Skills: 1. Rope Climbing, 2. Formal Etiquette, 3. Woodworking

Starting Equipment: Rolled up magazine (as club), pipe and tobacco, top hat, suspenders.

  • A Atavism, Alloparenting, +1 to-hit
  • B Extremely Loud and Incredibly Hairy, +2 HP
  • C Primal Fury, +1 Defense
  • D Just Disappointed, +2 HP

    You are a monkey. You are very good at climbing things. You can hold onto objects with your "feet," stand on your hands effortlessly, stabilize yourself with your tail, jump, run, hide, steal — anything a big monkey could do.

    You are a dad. A number of party members, equal to your level, are your adoptive children. You can't change which ones are your children, but slots open up if they die. Your children gain several benefits from your patient and fatherly advice:
  • If their Strength is lower than yours, they gain +1 to-hit while in your presence. Go get 'em sport!
  • If their Dexterity is lower than yours, they gain +1 Defense while in your presence. Remember, into a jab, away from an uppercut!
  • If their Constitution is lower than yours, they gain +1 inventory slot while in your presence. There's always room to hide something else away, maybe in a sock or something.
  • If their Intelligence is lower than yours, they always get an extra save against Charm or other form of magical manipulation. You're no monkey's uncle. You're a monkey dad.
  • If their Wisdom is lower than yours, they always get an extra save against any form of Sleep or Paralysis. They know, if they're ever feeling strange or uncomfortable, you are around to help them.
  • If their Charisma is lower than yours, they always get an extra save against Fear. It's like their dad always said: "There's no shame in fear. What matters is how we face it"

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Hairy
    This is where you pound on your chest, hoot, grunt, scream, display your fangs and generally make yourself look dangerous. If you dedicate an entire turn to this threat display while in combat, a living creature within sixty feet of you must immediately roll a save vs Fear. You can do this as many times per day as you want, until someone passes the save and yells out "He's just a dad! A monkey dad!"

Primal Fury
    You've had enough of this hootenanny, and if it doesn't stop soon you might do something drastic. When an enemy within reach fumbles on an attack, you may immediately make an unarmed attack to slap a little sense into them.
    If the situation is getting too loud or scary for one of your charges, you need to do something about that too. You can shield a party with your body if their AC is lower than yours. The two of you share the worse AC and saves, and you take all damage directed against them. If someone tries to attack your party member and misses, you may immediately make an unarmed attack against them.

Just Disappointed
    You're not angry. This is your fault, really, and you should have known better. Maybe next time kiddo. Once per day, you shake your head sadly and a die must be rerolled. The die's size doesn't matter, nor does its purpose. Powerful wizards won't appreciate it if you meddle with them directly, but probably they can't do anything about it.

family monkey babie monkie dbaby monkey dad

Monkey and/or Dad Qualities

Roll 1d12 and consult the list. If you roll something twice, take your choice of the one above or below.
  1. My Father Left Me Monkey
    Whatever languages you can understand, your children can speak while in your presence.

  2. A Monkey in Time
    When your children wake up in the morning, they know your distance from them (rounded to the nearest five miles) and in what direction you lie (rounded to sixteenths of a compass).

  3. The Last of Monkey
    You can carry one child, no matter how large they are, and still run and fight effectively.

  4. To Kill a Monkeybird
    Your children get a bonus to reaction rolls from members of different races equal to your level in Monkey Dad.

  5. Go Set a Watchmonkey
    Your children inflict a penalty to morale rolls from members of different races equal to your level in Monkey Dad.

  6. Monkey's in the Cradle
    Your children gain the normal benefits of Alloparenting even if you are not present, so long as you are still alive.

  7. My Monkey's Eyes
    Your children heal an extra hitpoint every day while traveling with you.

  8. Big Monkey
    You can turn into a catfish at will.

  9. Do Not Go Monkey
    While in combat, if you are reduced to zero hitpoints and would die you instead enter a last state of frenzy. You regain all of your hitpoints for the duration of the encounter. If you are again reduced to zero hitpoints, or when the encounter ends, you die.

  10. Monkey Was a Rolling Stone
    Whatever skills you possess, your children can use while in your presence.

  11. The Monkey Beyond the Pines
    I'm going to be honest, this is the last one I'm writing and I don't have anything to put here. I don't know why I thought I could just write down twelve titles of things and put "monkey" in there and the ideas would flow forth. These aren't even puns. These aren't even jokes. I'm at the end of my fucking rope here. It's 5:45 where I am right now and I haven't slept or eaten in three days. What the fuck is a monkey dad? This is awful. I'm hitting publish as soon as I have finished this sentence.

  12. The Monkey
    When you die, select a party member. They are the dad now, whether they are a monkey or not. Your other children gain the benefits of Alloparents from traveling with the new dad.


  1. I like this a lot - good work!
    Could the 'monkey beyond the pines' be something about how Monkey Dad gets a bonus to activities to track down missing children or see through lies and illusions relating to them?

    1. Possibly, possibly. The Place Beyond The Pines is a strange movie. Thank your for your comment.

  2. I love everything about this class.

  3. I kind of stumbled into this blog and nothing has impressed me more on an OSR site than a monkey dad. I just... It's profound in a way words can't really apprehend.

    If I were a monkey dad, I'd say this:

    "Fine work, son. You did good out there."

  4. This is possibly the best GLOG class I've ever read.

    1. Thank you. The one time it was played was fun (until he died).

  5. Another player used this in a game last night!

    It was *very* useful. Being a monkey gives you a lot of mobility and stealth option. Furthermore, the alloparenting is a great way to boost someone who rolled poorly on their stats.

    well done, once again.

    1. That was exactly what I was hoping alloparenting would be used for. Thank you for your comment.

  6. Great job. Too bad my nazi GM won't let me play a wholesome 100 lil' dude.