Thursday, March 18, 2021

Lucky Charms

O ay happy Saint Paddy's. Here's a list of magic items.

Source: in image

  1. statue of a cricket. makes cricket noises with impeccable comedic timing.

  2. Exotherm salt-shaker. One hearty shake converts a liter of water to ice. 10 doses.

  3. Transitive Opera Glasses. One lens is red, the other blue. When used, you see from their focal point as if you were standing there

  4. Crowd-Patterned Poncho. Looks very strange when standing alone. Blends seamlessly into a crowd.

  5. Sack of cosmic flour. Baked goods prepared from this flour are alive and sentient. Enough for a dozen cookies or one medium cake.

  6. Hell's Eye. A large silvery diamond with a starburst flaw. Critical attacks against the wearer slay them instantly in a manner that destroys their face and other defining features, no matter how bizarre or unlikely that result is.

  7. Sociopathy Detector. Worn around your neck, this small crystal will vibrate in the presence of a sociopath.
  8. Heat Bracelet. Gold and rubies in an ancient style. Detonates in 4MD Fireball when it hears its command word (you don't know what its command word is).
  9. head of Diamond Garlic. black garlic is made by heating whole bulbs over the course of weeks; diamond garlic by heating whole bulbs over the course of centuries. about ten doses of perfect garlic ambrosia.
  10. bee whistle. produces a sound only audible to bees and elfs.
  11. jar of hatred. Lovely example of ancient glassblowing. When smashed, creatures within 20' must save against hatred.
  12. clouded mirror. reflects nothing, drips blood when you are in danger.

  13. two-part ring. linked by a fine chain. when worn on one finger, that finger is as inflexible and sturdy as a steel spike. when worn on two, your grip is as steady as a vice.

  14. Golden Acorn. Planted, will grow into a golden oak.

  15. Salamander Scent. A crystal vial of the musk from a rare species of volcanic amphibian. Moderately priceless in the eyes of the Perfumers' Guild.

  16. Storm Rattle. Shaking at dawn has a 1-in-6 chance of bringing rain before noon.

  17. Broken Horn. From the head of a Queen in the northern jungles. Alchemists believe the the touch of this horn can cure disease.

  18. small pair of golden scissors. edge never dulls.

  19. a diamond-studded ring in a rococo style. "eats" fires when you stick your hand in them, and can light kindling with a snap of your fingers.

  20. a ram's horn, polished smooth. blowing it produces a male chorus singing about the end of the world.

  21. a pair of green sunglasses. canines (including werewolves) are invisible to you while you wear them.

  22. KILL SPIDER AAAH, an ancient greatsword of chardun and adamant. Single-edged blade, scrawled with ancient runes. He likes music and screams in terror when he sees a spider.

  23. a book of scripture from another world. contains three random wizard spells, which can be identified by/sold to any decent wizard.

  24. a button whirligig. play with it in your hands while looking at someone to make them see the world upside-down.

  25. a spiderweb scarf. while you are actively strangling yourself, your feet cling to any surface and cannot be shifted.

  26. a lantern pumpkin. will not rot. can be communed with.

  27. packet of fairy matches. their light is steady, and they catch even in the wind. their fire burns aggressively but with no warmth. ten matches.

  28. an aprical lense. like a monocle with cheery yellow glass. snow and ice are invisible when viewed through it.

  29. a greenish pebble. twelve hours after you touch it, you teleport to the pebble. be careful.

  30. a silver ring which broadcasts the wearer's conscious thoughts to everyone within 10'.

  31. two identical Edwardian chairs. what affects one affects the other. if two people sit in them at the same time, the chairs swap positions.

  32. pack of cards. the queens are all your mother, the kings are your father, the jacks your friends, and the rules card describes your death in poetic terms. if you burn the deck any curses or diseases affecting you vanish and you heal to full HP.

  33. Paladin Flower. white petals with flecks of black. the first time you fail a save against a malicious spell, the flower suffers the effects instead and then burns to ash.

  34. Overwise Horn. instead of a trumpeting, this horn produces the sound of harsh laughter and mocking voices.

  35. BEYOND NO DOOR. this chardun sai records up to an hour of audio, which it will recite in a stupid voice on request.

  36. piece of paper with the words "the joy of the consumer outweighs the pain of the consumed" in spidery handwriting. if someone reads from this paper aloud, they immediately suffer a freak misfortune.

  37. Portrait of a G_d Among the Trees. A small oil vignette a few inches to a side. The blind can see it perfectly.

  38. Three tarot cards. Draw three and record which they are. When your DM is in doubt, the cards become relevant in some prophetic way.

  39. cufflinks that, if worn every day for a week, give you pancreatic cancer.

  40. mesh gloves which grant +2 AC against missile attacks. if that AC makes the difference, you catch the missile (you can't throw it back though, you're not a monk).

  41. silk gloves. whisper into the palm to create a bead of glass which, when broken, produces the sound. can record single words or voice-clips.

  42. a flagon of mead that is non-alcoholic, non-filling, and non-sustaining of any kind, but constantly refills itself.

  43. GOOD EVIL OVERCOMES. He is a medium foil of pale and chardun. His (edgeless) blade has a screwtip for interchangeable points. Once per dawn, GOOD EVIL OVERCOMES can draw a line of up to 20' on the ground. Undead will not willingly cross this line. Currently used by a group of professional ghost-hunters.

  44. DUSK RIDDLED RIVERBED. He is a light dirk of chardun. His blade has five fullers which constantly drip fresh human blood, about a pint an hour. DUSK RIDDLED RIVERBED will, if asked, identify this substance as red wine. Currently the property of a stupid noble who thinks he is a vampire.

  45. BRIGHT DARING JOYFUL. She is a medium saber (+1) of pale and ossgold. She blows loud raspberries in response to military horns, and constantly complains about how lazy this generation is. Her wielder has bonus to HP equal to the HD of the most dangerous creature they have slain with BRIGHT DARING JOYFUL (she doesn't require a strict final-blow, but she definitely needs to agree that the wielder did most of the work). Currently the sidearm of a forest ranger, and very bored.
  46. CASTIGATE LAUGHTER MORE. It is a light kindjal of bronte, with a rough grey diamond set into its pommel. CASTIGATE LAUGHTER MORE deals +1 damage for every point of HP its wielder is missing. It automatically hits when its wielder is at 0 or fewer HP. Currently in the Black Museum of a crimefighting detective.
  47. OCHLAGOGUE DEMAGOGUE POPULIST. She is a medium jian (+1) of ossgold. Her guard is a delicately carved piece of mahogany depicting a bat's face on one side and an old man's face on the other. While speaking the faces animate; the bat speaks if she is discussing violence and the old man speaks otherwise. When planted in the ground OCHLAGOGUE DEMAGOGUE POPULIST's pommel opens up like a book, allowing her wielder to take notes or leave sketches. She contains several hundred years of notes from previous wielders, in various languages, mostly about their crimes. Currently the property of a librarian who has translated about a quarter of the journal over the course of three decades.
  48. START A WAR. She is a light poniard of pale and chardun. She was damaged in a fire at some point, rendering her blade a dark kelly green and destroying her hilt. Despite this, she is invariably cheerful and encouraging. START A WAR's wielder does not leave foot- or hand-prints while she is grasped, or held in their teeth. Currently serves as a butterknife in the home of a happy peasant.
  49. WHO TOLD YOU. It is a medium bokken of bronte. It doesn't really looking like anything besides a slightly-curved bar of metal. Doesn't even have an edge. WHO TOLD YOU's wielder loses color in their eyes while it is drawn, and their vision does not trigger any sight-related effects. Currently floating in a sealed crate somewhere in the ocean.
  50. EVERY HOUR WOUNDS. He is a medium arming sword (+1) of pale and adamant. While he rarely speaks, his advice is always sound. Once per dawn, EVERY HOUR WOUND's wielder may reroll a d20. Currently used as a teaching tool by a court man-at-arms.
  51. PICK GIRL ROSES. She is a light letter opener of chardun. She would rather be literally anywhere else than in a dungeon. When held to her wielder's ear, she nervously repeats directions for the safest, quickest path to sunlight. Currently in the possession of a dungeoneer.
  52. TRULY COUNTLESS BODIES, a medium spatha (+2) of pale, can only be wielded by a missing limb. While he prefers music and feasting, TRULY COUNTLESS BODIES is also happy to kill. Currently buried in a shallow grave.
  53. LOVE YOUR CREATION, a medium broadsword of chardun and ossgold, accepts payment in gold pieces for to-hit and damage bonuses. A single attack at +1/+1 costs one gold piece, +2/+2 costs three, and +3/+3 costs ten. He extends lines of credit to those he trusts, but keeps a careful tab. Currently stuck point-first in a creekbed. Offers a bounty of one +5/+5 attack for the slaying of his previous wielder.
  54. THERE IS PEACE, a light parrying dagger of chardun and adamant, aggressively strikes other weapons instead of people.  -1 to-hit but +1 AC 
  55. the tightened belt, blue silk with white clover-flowers. the tighter it is drawn the louder its wearer's voice is.
  56. satan's teeth, a collection of fingerlength fangs in a smoked-glass jar. nothing it sees is sunlit.
  57. a golden cup, plain on the outside but lined with wondrous-carved gems of malachite, tourmaline and cinnabar. dry wine poured into this cup becomes deadly poison. put the cup to your ear to hear the last words of those it has killed.
  58. a wand of bundled sumac and hissop and rosemary, all bound in gold wire. passed over the head of a farm animal it grows strong and fat and proud; passed over the head of a person their face warps and they become permanently ugly and brutish.
  59. SOME LAUGH LAST. He is a scalpel of chardun and negligible weight. Wounds inflicted by him cause no pain. Currently in the possession of a Yellow Cleric who uses him to administer intravenous (ugh ugh ugh) drugs.
  60. a diamond wedding ring, bearing the words "the best is yet to come" around the inside. whispers soothing words, granting an additional save against fear and madness.
  61. BORN EVERY YESTERDAY. a heavy jian of pale and ossgold. weighs 17,550 pounds, varies between 3 and 60 feet in length at its wielders request. not sure how much damage this does. if you can pick it up, it probably instantly kills people.
  62. A mechanical stamp which runs on its user's blood. May transform into a crow and carry a message to someone whose name and face is known to its owner, then return and revert to a stamp. If it should die en route it reverts to a stamp and is lost to the wielder.

  63. A contract signed by an ancestor. An invisible servant follows the wielder, eager to shine shoes and prepare wine. Plays awful, humiliating, possibly-illegal pranks on people it does not like.

  64. TO HEIGHTS HANGING, a scimitar of chardun. emits choking smoke on command; redirects and absorbs lightning, fireballs, &c. eager to devour explosions and black powder, but tends to bite off more than he can chew.

  65. a green-glass bottle that once held a potion of bull's strength. sings a song to itself about the ritual which will grant someone +3 strength forever. the ritual involves the destruction of a highly precious religious artifact from some minority group.

    holy shit i am completely out of it, here are a few random effects for magic swords. i will complete this at some point. 

  1. +2 to all reaction, friendly morale checks

  2. +1 while the wielder sings, attracts small forest creatures, is extremely angry at the wielder if they eat meat

  3. through a series of bizarre self-contradicting laws the wielder is, technically, the vassal of the sword and not subject to any other country.

  4. attracts bugs, lectures (in loving details) on moth habitats and life cycles

  5. damage dealt with this weapon does not injure, leaves no evidence of harm

  6. +MD sword against spellcasters

  7. exists in the wielders dreams until they say aloud "I intend to do harm" in their native language, returns to their mind as they sleep.

  8. transfers the wielder's senses (sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch) to or from itself at their request. the wielder experiences those senses through the weapon.

  9. renders itself and the wielder's arm invisible while drawn.

  10. poisons when struck in surprise

  11. resembles any medium sword of the wielder's choosing

  12. carves chakras, humors, from human corpses.

  13. has a complete and total understanding of technicalities in all legal systems.

  14. when thrust into a human heart deals no damage; allows the wielder to demand one complete and truthful answer. works once per target.

  15. +2 sword if the wielder surrenders and eye to it. when the wielder closes their remaining eye, they see from the perspective of the last person to contact the blade.

  16. grants the wielder flashes of the past of those it strikes. grants those who strike the wielder flashes of the wielder's past.

  17. maps areas it travels through, will share if the wielder offers it wine and burnt incense. the maps devote most of their detail to the subject the sword finds most interesting; namely combat horsemanship ("this room is large enough for a lancer to ride through, but the arrow traps in the decorative wall tiles could injure the steed so i do not recommend it).

  18. grouchily repeats directions for the safest, quickest path to a pub

  19. +1 for the duration of a fight, if held and meditated upon for a full minute beforehand

  20. if used as a plow, grows vegetable soldiers (takes a full year to mature)

  21. unadorned sword accompanied by a magnificent scabbard. sword returns to scabbard as if held by a gorilla on command.

  22. encyclopedic knowledge of spells, may be flattered into explaining their name and function.

  23. wielder cannot become drunk and takes half damage from poison.

  24. when offered as a bet, intelligent creatures are compelled to play games of chance against the wielder.

  25. natural surfaces cling to the last person who contacts the blade, reducing their movement speed by half but allowing them to climb walls.

  26. once per day projects a 15' cone of collapse. everything in the cone presses downwards until it contacts a solid surface.


  1. 62 and 65 are both called BORN EVERY YESTERDAY, which is either an error or a very lazy in-universe translator.