Thursday, May 7, 2020

G_D CAN MAKE MISTAKES (GLOG CLASS: GIANT SPIDER AAAAAA)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA FUCK, AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Wolf Spider Fangs 3 | nicksmacro | Flickr
WHAT THE FUCK AAAAA



WHAT THE HELL HOLY SHIT YOU'RE A GIANT SPIDER AAAAAA!!!!! FUCK

Class: GIANT SPIDER AAAAAA


    YOU ARE BIGGER THAN A DOG AND YET STILL SMALLER THAN A MAN! IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THOSE LONG HAIRY LEGS ARE A LITTLE SEXY ACTUALLY 😳
    OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T WEAR ARMOR (UNLESS IT'S SPIDER ARMOR) AND YOU CAN'T REALLY HOLD TOOLS OR TALK! BUT YOU CAN DANCE EXPRESSIVELY TO GET YOUR POINT ACROSS!
    FOR EVERY TEMPLATE IN THIS CLASS, GAIN 6 HP! THAT'S AN EXTRA 24 HP BY THE END! ALSO, I GUESS YOU HAVE LIKE 14 AC TO BEGIN WITH? THAT'S A GOOD AMOUNT TO STICK WITH. THIS PROBABLY ISN'T A PRACTICAL CLASS FOR A SERIOUS GAME.

Skills: 1. Hot air ballooning 2. Architecture (as art, not engineering) 3: craft brewing

Starting Equipment: A little backpack sized just for you (this is the only way spiders can have an inventory), four pairs of business-casual flats, one piece of SPOOOOOOKY GEAR (see below).
Segestria florentina - Wikipedia
whY IS THIS ONE GREEEEEN AAAAA

  • A: CHELICERAE! TOO MANY LEGS! +2 ADAPTATION
  • B: MIMICRY! +1 ADAPTATION
  • C: STRANGE VENOM! +1 ADAPTATION
  • D: WEAVING! CHOOSE ONE ADAPTATION

CHELICERAE!
    BIG OLD TEETH! I... DO NOT KNOW HOW THESE WORK. I ASSUME THEY DEAL 1d8 PIERCING DAMAGE +/- STRENGTH, AUTOMATICALLY HITTING GRAPPLED TARGETS. I GOOGLED "SPIDER MOUTH" AND NOW I AM UNABLE TO PUT MY FEET ON THE FLOOR. UGH.
TOO MANY LEGS!
    FUCK IT'S TOO MANY! EIGHT OF THEM? THAT IS SIX MORE THAN STRICTLY NECESSARY! FOUR MORE THAN OPTIMAL! TWO MORE THAN A REASONABLE MAXIMUM! WHY, WHY, WHY?
    YOU CAN CLIMB ON ANYTHING A NORMAL SPIDER CAN CLIMB ON! THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE FOR A CREATURE OF YOUR SIZE, BUT YOU DO IT ANYWAY, IN DEFIANCE OF SANITY AND HOPE.

MIMICRY!
    YOU ARE INCREDIBLY GOOD AT DISGUISING YOURSELF AS THINGS WHICH AREN'T A GIANT SPIDER AAAAAA. IF YOUR PARTY TELLS PEOPLE YOU ARE A GIANT ANT, AN OLD WOMAN OR AN ITALIAN THEY WILL SIMPLY BELIEVE (and if you could talk you could tell them yourself!).
STRANGE VENOM!
    OOOH, NASTY. YOUR FANGS NOW DEAL 1d10 DAMAGE AND CAN HARM GHOSTS AND THE UNDEAD! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? ICK, DAMN IT, FUCK, I DON'T KNOW!
 WEAVING
    YOU ARE SO GOOD AT WEBS YOU CAN MAKE THINGS WHICH AREN'T WEBS! I don't really know how to limit/rule on this. Shirts? Rope? How much silk can spiders produce? You should ask your DM about this. Maybe one slot's worth an hour?


SPIDER ADAPTATIONS:
ROLL ON THE FOLLOWING TABLE!
  1. HEAVY CHITIN. YOUR AC IS NOW 16. YOU ARE NOTICEABLE MORE OF A CHONKER! IT'S FINE, YOU'RE GROWING.
  2. SPIDER SENSE. YOU ARE NEVER SURPRISED [BUT YOU (THE PLAYER) HAVE TO SAY "MY SPIDER SENSE IS TINGLING" EVERY TIME THIS IS RELEVANT].
  3. NIGHT VISION. YOU CAN SEE IN THE DARK. EVER POINTED A FLASHLIGHT AT A FIELD AT NIGHT? FUCK!
  4. GHOST WEBS. YOUR WEBBING CAN CATCH SUPERNATURAL SPELLS, INCORPOREAL GHOSTS, ABSTRACT SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS AND THAT SORT OF THING (THIS IS HOW UNGOLIANT DRANK THE LIGHT).
  5. BIG JUMP. YOU CAN LEAP 20' VERTICALLY! THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, BUT NOT GREAT.
  6. FAST RUN. OOOH SHIT, ONCE PER DAY MOVE 90' IN SIX SECONDS FLAT AND REQUIRE MORALE ROLLS FROM WHOEVER YOU ARE CHARGING AT.
  7. ALLURING VOICE. YOU SOUND LIKE MARILYN MONROE (OR GEORGE CLOONEY IF YOU'RE MORE INTO THAT). LETS YOU HAVE A NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T SEE YOU.
  8. URTICATING HAIRS. COVERED IN IRRITATING SPIKES. ONCE PER DAY, DEAL 1d6 DAMAGE TO EVERYTHING WITHIN 5' OF YOU.
  9. PUPPETRY. YOU CAN MAKE A HUMANOID PUPPET OUT OF WEBBING AND HAIR AND DEAD SKIN, AND THEN WAGGLE IT AROUND JUST LIKE A PERSON. I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD BUT YOU CAN.
  10. SPIDER MAGIC. YOU HAVE ONE MD AND YOU KNOW A RANDOM SPELL FROM A RANDOM LIST (GO TO THE BIG LIST OF GLOG CLASSES AND PICK A RANDOM CASTER).
  11. SPIDER JUDO. YOU HAVE A CHI DIE LIKE A MONK AND CAN USE IT TO THROW PEOPLE AROUND.
  12. THE FRIENDSHIP OF A FAIRY. THIS IS A REALLY GOOD THING TO EVOLVE, IF YOU CAN DO IT. YOU CAN CONTACT THE FAIRY FOR A FAVOR. 2-in-6 CHANCE THEY NEED A QUEST FROM YOU.
EEEEEEEEGH UGGGHH EEEEEEEEEGH



SPOOOOOOKY GEAR :
  1. Spider Backpack. Holds 6 slots of gear and is designed to be accessed by leg.
  2. Spider Saddle. You can carry a person on your back while climbing. Probably requires some move checks on their part to stay mounted.
  3. Spider Crossbow and 20 Spider Bolts. How can you possibly use this thing? 2 slots for the crossbow, 1 slot for the bolts.
  4. 80' of Spider Rope. Why would you choose this.
  5. Spider Crowbar. Gives you +4 on relevant checks, if you can explain to the DM how you are using a crowbar. 1 slot.
  6. Set of Spider Watercolors. Includes a big notebook and four times as many brushes as usual. Doesn't make you a better artist, but makes you the best artist you can be. 1 slot.
  7. Spider Punching Bag. Basically just a big sack with eight canvas legs, like an awful plush toy. Treat falls as 10' shorter if you land on this. 2 slots.
  8. Spider Felling Axe. You can cut down a tree with this medium weapon. It's covered in web-patterns for some reason. Again, why would you want to? You're a spider. 1 slot.
  9. Cage of Live Squirrels. Metal, two feet to a side. Counts as three rations if you're a monster. 2 slots.
  10. Spider Silk Tie. It's normal silk but it's decorated with spiders, and worth 10 gp.
  11. Blacksign Toadstools. Roll 1d6 and that ability score is inverted (11 -> 9, 7 -> 13, 10 -> 10). Effects last until you get a night of sleep. Three doses.
  12. Pair of Spider Manacles.Six feet long, four cuffs on each chain. 1 slot each.
  13. Spider Human Mask. A cunning device that exactly resembles a human face, made out of only spider silk, wooden reinforcements, and a latex mask of a human face.
  14. Spider Boots. Eight leather boots, which protect from acid and stony surfaces.
  15. Spider Passport. Required for entry into the fabled Spider Kingdom. Grants discounts from certain (intensely venomous) wandering spider merchants.
  16. Spider Lantern. Constructed in such a way that, when thrown, it bursts into flaming strands which cling to nearby objects and creatures. Casts light as a lantern, 1 slot.
  17. Spider Gloves. Identical to #14.
  18. Spider Dice. d8s with eye-pips instead of numbers.
  19. Spider Switchblades. Imagine some awful combination of hypodermic syringe and dental reconstruction device. Unfolds from your fangs to give you reach on your bite attacks. 1 slot.
  20. A mysterious spider artifact. Roll on the following table:
    1. A Wand of Web. Sort-of a let down.
    2. A map of an underground maze, with treasure-chambers marked clearly. The key indicates its entrance is two miles below the capital city.
    3. KILL SPIDER AAAH, an ancient greatsword of Chardun and Adamant. Single-edged blade, scrawled with ancient runes. He likes music and screams in terror when he sees a spider.
    4. A book of scripture from another world. Contains three random wizard spells, which can be identified by/sold to any decent wizard.
    5. A hand grenade with eight pins. Throwable, deals 4d6 damage to everyone within 40'.
    6. Full set of little spiky fishing-weight type things. Attach these to your own ass and turn your silk into a dire flail.

2 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. The spiders? Cute? I have to lotus-sit on my chair if I look at this post for too long. Thank you for your comment.

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