Worse than Useless (October 3rd)

    I've done a post on swords with THREE WORD NAMES before, and I sure do like giving magic swords out as treasure. But not every blade is made the same. The theme for GLOGtober 3rd is "goblins" — so, tangentially, how about some terrible swords? 

Source: swords by LancierPilum

1. SOME NECESSARY PROBLEMS. She is a medium langmesser (+1) of pale and chardun. Her guard is four-part and too pointy to be safely carried in a normal sheath. SOME NECESSARY PROBLEMS requires double rations, and will loudly and constantly complain if this is not provided to her. She was recently stolen from an eccentric nobleman's collection, and abandoned by the side of the road by the thief. She knows his name, description, deepest fears and current destination, and wants him dead.
   
   
2. DEAD RISE NEVER. It is a medium longsword of bronte. Its hilt and guard are decorated with amber and gold leaf. Once held in the hand, it cannot be released until a priest temporarily dispels its curse. Hopefully you didn't pick it up with both hands (or by the blade) Currently waiting, innocently, in a pile of treasure.
   
   
3. GREAT SPEAR BLADE. She is a heavy jian (+1) of adamant. Her blade is much thicker and heavier than most of her type, and her handle is commensurately longer. GREAT SPEAR BLADE may, at-will, cause anyone within shouting distance to enter into a rage, which she tries to do only when it would be as funny as possible. Currently buried under several bodies in a ditch.
   
   
4. GARDENER WAR DILEMMA. He is a medium drill hoe (+2) of chardun and bronte. As an awkwardly-weighted farming implement, he deals 1d6 damage when held in two hands and 1 when held in one. He can be used to hoe rows at triple speed, but he much prefers combat. Currently in the possession of an alcoholic Zouave.
   
   
5. OLD MEN REAP. She is a light scimitar of ossgold. Her blade is elaborately etched with an agricultural scene depicting a wartime harvest; the women drag fallen trees to form crude abatis along the roads, the children tread grapes in vats full to their waists, and with grim smiles and bent backs the OLD MEN REAP. Her bearer can neither surprise or be surprised, as she constantly mutters about her surroundings and any hidden enemies. Currently hanging on the wall in an abandoned woodcutter's camp.
   
   
6. GREAT INDELIBLE POEM. It is a massive nagamaki (+1) of bronte and ossgold. Its mottled blade and sharkskin grip are clearly the work of a master. It is terrified of fire, water, the dark, long falls and tight spaces. Currently jammed into a big rock somewhere in the middle of nowhere, waiting for a prophesied king.
   
   
7. THE FIRST PRINCIPLE. He is a medium yataghan (-2) of pale. His hilt is missing, so someone has wrapped his tang in bloody bandages. He loudly, negatively, comments on his wielder's martial skills and absence of horse (if his wielder has a horse he will insult it). When used to deal a critical hit, THE FIRST PRINCIPLE will chuckle knowingly and deal an extra 2d8 fire damage. Currently at the bottom of a river tied to a human sacrifice.
   
   
8. PENURY INERTNESS GRIMACE. She is a light falcata (+1) of chardun and ossgold. Her pommel is an eagle's head in gold, her guard an eagle's wings, and her attractively swept blade is sure to draw approving looks from nearby swordsmen. Unfortunately, she swears like a sailor with his head stuck in a toffee puller and knows every rude word in human language. Currently forgotten in a bank safety deposit.
   
   
9. GOOD LUCK FRIEND. She is a medium wakizashi of bronte. Her name is engraved repeatedly on her blade, though it is only visible in the sections not covered with rust. When touched to stone she converts it to iron; when touched to iron she converts it to wood, and when touched to wood she converts it to stone. Violently allergic to living flesh and must be handled with mail mittens. Currently the property of a safecracker in way over her head.
   
   
10. NOTHING TO IDENTIFY. He is a medium backsword (+4) of adamant. His knuckleguard has a warning written on it in an unreadable script, but he can recite it upon specific request: "Please do not touch, thank you". On a critical or a fumble he detonates in a 4MD Fireball, and reconstitutes 24 hours later in the possession of his bearer's next-of-kin. Currently lying on a sidewalk in a slum — he has explained the situation to the residents and they have (wisely) left him there.
    
    
11. STRATEGIC MONKEY RESERVES. She is a light kris of adamant. Her hilt is wrapped in blue silk and her pommel is a sapphire. She steals angels from nearby clerics; this is usually immediately obvious to them and they will request to be returned, but STRATEGIC MONKEY RESERVES will do so only if she feels like it. Currently the only friend of a blue-masked hermit on a small island unknown to cartographers.
    
    
12. NO SAFE HARBOR. He is a medium szabla of bronte and ossgold. Unusual acid wash sometimes resembles a face. As a generous benefactor of humanity, NO SAFE HARBOR delights in offering them what they want most. He can produce his own weight in material every day, consisting of what he thinks is most desired by those present (this is opium if there is a dope addict nearby and cheap gin otherwise). Currently in the possession of an unscrupulous tavernkeep.