Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Like Herding Monkeys (GLOG Class: Can't really categorize this one either)

    What drives a man to drive the monkeys? What happened to you, and made you like this? The mind quails. What horrors you have experienced are yours alone to bear. Yours... and the monkeys.

Source: I have no idea. (Update: it's a parody of Laocoon and his sons)

Class: Monkey Herder

    You are the drill-sergeant of a troop, the ring-master of a circus, the chieftain of a tribe. You lead a group of primates. You are not necessarily the leader of the group of primates. The real world is a complicated place, my friend.
    You can wear light and medium armor, and you never fumble while using halfpikes, shortswords and shortbows. You can use shields effectively. Monkeys have their own abilities.
    The strange abilities of the Monkey Herder are powered by Monkey Drugs. These MD represent your limited supply of banana liqueur, chewing tobacco, cocaine and other vices. Each MD takes up a ⅓ slot in your inventory. Treat them as d6 depleting dice. Don't run out.

Skills: 1. Carpentry 2. Battlefield tactics 3. Substance tolerance.

Starting Equipment: a set of tattered business attire (as unarmored but +1 reaction), a medium szabla, three doses of MD and one piece of Circus Gear of your choice.

  • A Monkey Drugs, Monkey Troop, +2 Move.
  • B Monkey Recruiting Policy, +2 HP.
  • C Monkey Lieutenant, +2 Move.
  • D Ape Monkeys.

Monkey Drugs
    The monkeys tolerate your leadership because monkeys are not allowed to go into bars. You're like a big brother who buys them things. Any sort of intoxicant or stimulant might be MD; monkeys require them as motivators, but humans can consume them (roll for usage) as well to gain 2 HP or another save against mind-altering effects. MD cost 10 gp a dose in town, but you may also spend an hour converting reagents (monster parts, radioactive material, funny-looking mushrooms) into some unpleasant bodge.
    When a human consumes your MD, they save or experience an unpleasant side effect. Roll randomly or pick a relevant one:
Real Drugs
  1. Drunk. Can fumble with weapons you are proficient with. Fumble and critical range increased by 1. Lasts an hour.
  2. Dizzied. Movement speed is halved and take a -4 penalty to ranged attacks. Lasts ten minutes.
  3. Nauseous. Cannot stomach lunch or any further consumption of MD. Lasts the rest of the day.
  4. High. Automatically fail saves against Charm and Fear. Further doses just make you more high. Lasts an hour.
  5. Cheered. Things are looking up! Surprised by every attack until the end of the day.
  6. Ruthful. Why did you come here? Why couldn't you have stayed at home and been a carpenter like your dad? You need a good cry, and can't do anything too useful for ten minutes.
Unpleasant Bodge
  1. Cursed. You really shouldn't have smoked that. Your fumble range increases by 1 until a cleric removes the curse.
  2. Delusional. You are someone else. DM's pick. Lasts until the DM says so, or you go to bed.
  3. Tripping the Fuck Out. Aaa! Aaaaaa! Aaaaaaaaa! You are under spiders, while all your friends . Thunder and great blue triangles. Scream your head off for ten minutes, unable to do anything too useful.
  4. On Fire. Catch from the inside. You are on fire.
  5. Wrothful. Makes you irritable and itchy. For the rest of the day, you enter rage at the beginning of combat.
  6. Totally Numb. Almost pleasant, really. You are immune to agony effects and no longer know your HP total. If you don't see an attack hit you, you don't know you took damage at all. Lasts until the end of the day.
    As an experienced monkey drugs user, you roll side effects twice and choose the one you want. Monkeys never experience side effects. Monkeys have definitely smoked frogs before.
Monkey Troop
    You have a troop of monkeys who follow you around. They are loyal, as monkeys go, but are primarily in it for the drugs. Every day in which you are accompanied by at least one monkey, roll usage on your MD. Monkeys can climb better than the best human, carry 3 slots of inventory and a torch, and are fairly trustworthy when retrieving and delivering objects which are not drugs. They probably have 6 HP, armor as leather, and a 1d6 unarmed attack.
    They may attempt to communicate through sign language, but monkeys cannot speak nor do they fully understand human language. Monkeys do not set watches and do not understand what guard duty is. Their joints do not allow them to use bows or any weapon much larger than a banana. Most monkeys will only fight in self-defense unless bribed to join a fight with MD.
    You start play with a pair of monkeys (there's a half dozen below this paragraph, and a random generator here). You may recruit more as you find them, after negotiating appropriate pay.
d6 Monkey Friends:
Source: Wikimedia. Puny Bert the talapoin. She has a real eye for valuables and is totally silent. You can use an MD to order her to try and pick a lock or a pocket.
Wikimedia. King Ansegisel the mandrill. He has a quiet majesty about him. Two attacks per round. You can use an MD to order him to carry an injured person on his back for a day.
Wikimedia. Jun Mao the whitehanded gibbon. Intensely religious. She hoots prayers and wards off the Eye when he smells evil. You can use an MD to have her perform a burial service.
Wikimedia. Howard the panin. He knows how to use a sword. Use an MD to order him to duel an opponent in honorable single combat.
Wikimedia. Grendela the cotton-top tamarind. Journeys out of regret for her past sins. Knows basic first aid, and you can use an MD to have her treat someone for 1d6 healing once a day.
Wikimedia. Vitruvius the aye-aye. Can see in the dark, and can read and write the Losian language. You can use an MD to have him memorize and perfectly reproduce a page of text.

Monkey Job Application
    Monkeys can smell hiring opportunities for literally thousands of miles. No matter where you are, if you want to hire a monkey intern one will appear within 24 hours. An intern carries 6 slots and is always willing to fight. These monkeys prioritize their own safety over everything else, and are only in it for the drugs. Use your MD an extra time each morning for every intern currently following you. If there are ever more interns in the party than humans, they will beat you unconscious and run off with all your drugs.
Monkey Lieutenant
    Designate a loyal monkey to be your right-hand primate. They will use their special abilities without bribes, and stay with you through drugless periods (they trust you to square once you're back in the plush). Lieutenants count as humans when calculating how many monkey interns you can safely control.
Ape Monkeys
    You've been around these monkeys for so long you've begun to imitate them. You don't suffer MD side effects. Whenever you want, you may become a first-level Monkey Dad (but like, a cool dad). You lose your interns and your ability to hire them, but you keep your troop, drugs, and all skills and bonuses.

Circus Gear
  1. Whip. As a light weapon with extra reach, hitting you for 1 damage on a fumble. You can use this to control the monkeys. ⅓ slot.

  2. Cat-o-nine-tails. A light weapon which cannot be thrown. Inflicts bleed on a critical hit. The monkeys might use this to control you. ⅓ slot.

  3. Baton. A fine piece of carpentry tipped with gold. As a light weapon. ⅓ slot.

  4. Starter pistol. A light ranged weapon, reloaded with shells (start with 6). 1 slot.

  5. Elaborate Set of Facepaint. Lets you age or de-age yourself, or look like a clown. 1 slot.

  6. Rope Net. Allows grapple checks at a distance. Dropping on to one reduces fall damage. 1 slot.

  7. Grappling Hook and 50' of rope. 1 slot each.

  8. 50' of Chain. 2 slots.

  9. Megaphone. Makes your voice loud, or alternately lets you hear through thin walls. ⅓ slot.

  10. Religious Texts. Complicated theological text from a heresy of your choice. ⅓ slot.

  11. Costume Gems. Good enough to fool an expert. 10 gp worth.

  12. Chrism. Blessed in the name of the Lord of the Circus. Predators will not attack someone anointed with this balm. Three doses, lasts a full day.

  13. Mallow Peanuts. Tastes like neither marshmallow, nor peanuts, but bananas. They are disgusting and you have nine rations worth. 3 slots.

  14. 50' of Tightwire. Can't be climbed, but is well-suited for walking across. 1 slot.

  15. A large tophat and three rabbits. The rabbits are worth three rations. Altogether, 1 slot.

  16. Set of three hollow metal hoops. Can be filled with oil and lit as a lamp. 1 slot each

  17. Heavy Sandbag. Weighs as much as a human.

  18. Fake Barbell. Marked with "200 LBS" on both spherical, hollow weights. Can be used as a light weapon and floats on water. 1 slot.

  19. Fake Beard. Keeps your face warm, and is very convincing.

  20. An oddity. Roll on the following table:

    1. A button whirligig. Play with it in your hands while looking at someone to make them see the world upside-down. 
    2. An annatto-colored ring. Exudes a strong, pleasant scent. Somewhere in the world, someone is wearing a saffron-colored ring, and you know the exact direction and distance.
    3. A spiderweb scarf. While you are actively strangling yourself, your feet cling to any surface and cannot be shifted.
    4. A lantern pumpkin. Will not rot. Can be communed with. ⅓ slot.
    5. A packet of fairy matches. Their light is steady, and they catch even in the wind. Their fire burns aggressively but with no warmth. Ten matches.
    6. An aprical lense. Like a monocle with cheery yellow glass. Snow and ice are invisible when viewed through it.


  1. This might be the most fun-sounding GLOG class I've ever seen.

    1. It's also the only way I know of to get beaten up by a pack of apes and have your stash stolen. Thank you for your comment.

  2. The way monkey interns work has a really elegant trade-off to it. Also this class in general is a riot.